Thursday, November 29, 2012
First off the last time I posted I posted about a little frustration I had with Tyler and how i think things should go.. Well he lets things go and go and go.. I found myself growing into old habits (which I'd rather not share at this point) I was feeling upset because when he lets things go it puts a wall between us because He gets frustrated I get frustrated.. I start to feel like ooo he wants me to walk all these lines and follow all these rules but he just wants to lecture..
It didn't matter how many times we talked about it. I journaled about it. I texted to him about it and I talked to him about it. He agreed and saw my point of view. He decided things would change but yet he didn't.
It gets very frustrating because I feel like I'm doing all the work in TTWD and he is getting all the glories. I hate when I get in this funk and I know i shouldn't. i try and walk the line but it gets hard.
Well he finally put this whole thing to an end and gave me the spanking I needed/ deserved/ we needed... It was rough but it worked... I felt like it put us back together and I put my old habits to a halt and realized what i was doing.
it just gets hard because were in this routine. He is strict and has expectations and if i don't follow them he just lectures gets disappointed and i try to reel myself in alone.. I tell him i need reeled in but he seems not to want to be bothered.. Then finally after a month or so he's thrue with it and then I get a spanking of my life and were back to normal again.. It sucks because the spanking is harsh and i feel if he would take care of things more it wouldn't have to be so harsh.. This last time it took longer than usual because i had a GIANT wall built up which normally never happens..
Anyway you would think after 2yrs we would be more into things.. I don't know I just trust him and know i need to settle myself down.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
I wanted to get back to them but Tyler said I wasn't ready. I felt I was ready but as the days have gone on I realized hes right..
See i told you about a bad break down i had. I just felt empty inside and i didn't know why. I also told you about a friend who just stopped talking to me with no explanation. She was a dd friend and is on the groups. I think i would be ok with being on there with her but it took some tolls on my life loosing her friendship. I'm getting to the point that o well I have other friends who truly care about me. So i will go on with life i suppose...
It often seems Tyler is soo right about so many things with me.. He knows me better than i know myself.. So why do I still struggle with the fact that he lets things go? He is in charge.. I have rules to live by and he lectures when i don't live by them.. He doesn't think maintenance is for us so in between spankings that are usually a month or so I just get scattered and by the time he spanks me again its more severe than it could have been but then were back on track for a while. I tell him that I'm feeling off etc and we try a few things but no real spanking and it helps a few days but its hard to live by all these rules without any real consequences..
Well anyway this is why he really doesn't like me on groups. He feels that I get to jealous and to wrapped up in their lives and don't pay attention to ours and not satisfied.. which hes right. That's why i try not to read many blogs and read many fictional stories..
I don't know in so many ways i feel alone and confused... I'm not alone I have Tyler and I have lots of great support.. I'm currently in a fog right now and I don't know why..
I just need to realize he knows whats best and hes here for me.. this relationship isn't all about my wants and needs and its about letting go of the control and trusting him.. I do trust him..
All in all we are so much closer and so much more in love than ever before so for that i'm thankful. i just need to be more open to live the life the way he wants me to and not what i want..
Some days I feel back to normal. I wanna write I wanna read and I'm satisfied with life. Others i just wanna sleep.. the good thing is there are more satisfied normal days then wanting to sleep days..
Anyway its alot of rambling but its good to get it out.. I will be ok and it will all be ok.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
I think this year has probably been the hardest year in a while. Not the worse or the baddest lol just the hardest..
I've lost a dear friend to murder, a dear friend lost her child, and I lost a friend simply because she decided not to talk to me anymore, not sure why. I guess you either love me or you hate me lol...
I had 2 break downs. the last break down is probably the worse i had and lingered with me the longest...
I changed job locations. Not jobs so much but i stepped down from being an assistant manager to just being me lol.
All 3 kids played baseball and softball up until October. Tyler had Kidney stones then now a toothache that he has to have surgically removed..
I got on meds and went through counselling so I'm doing much better. Its nothing Tyler did or could've done differently, I just took to much on in my life and couldn't take anymore. Funny thing is when this break down happened I didn't even realize it. Everyone was asking "Why do you look so empty?" I guess I was empty..
I've been doing great but there seems to be a day here and there that i fight the world and i guess I win.
I have had some good things go on.. I got to visit one of my best friends and I love her to pieces. Had a wonderful time and miss her lots. I got a new car and I'm in love with it. My children are healthy and happy and doing good. My husband loves me dearly and I have some amazing friends.. So my world isn't all blah and doom lol...
As for TTWD well I just think we do it here and there lol. I've talked to Tyler about maintenance he says its not for us. I think with everything that has gone on he has had a hard time knowing what to do without being mean (Lack for better word). Because when my friend was murdered she was missing for 2weeks first and that took a toll on me. Then when my friend quit talking to me it was right in the middle of my break down and honestly i think that's what pushed her away. I got to needy and needy is not for everyone. I just think she assumed things...
Well i quit all my groups I was on and since i feel like i had it back together again i was going to start them back up but Tyler said no and ya know what? I think he was right. I'm not ready. I think sometimes I have to high expectations for people because I have a strong belief in friendship.. Kinda like "ALL FOR ONE AND ONE FOR ALL!!!" lol yup that's me.
Tyler says I can go back to groups when I have things here under control like my submission more under control, My duties at home more under control and he thinks I'm ready.. Hmmm My submission under control might take a while.. Lol No I'm learning to let him lead more and more. With buying the car i made a decision but there was another car so the final decision was his but he surprised me and got the one i wanted. That was hard for me..
I definitely think we have grown alot together in the past 2 yrs. I know I'm so in love with Tyler and its amazing. I will hopefully explain more in another blog as to why he doesn't want me on right now and really his reasons are dead on.
Anyway Thank you to those who have E-mailed and prayed for me. Thank you to all who have been here for me. I'm still out here and I lurk occasionally but its hard for me to read some post because Well some of you have the life i want as far as TTWD goes.. That's part of the reason why i cant be on groups...
Well if you made it this far thank you... I will be fine and hope to blog a little more..
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
So anyway let me back up first. I know its been a while since I've blogged. I had a couple post written up but I was in such a bad place that I couldn't make since of them. I think my depression has gone now. Alot of my issues have been that Tyler pretty much stopped spanking. I haven't had one in over 2 months. Its not because I haven't needed it. Its because I guess he decided we didn't need it right now.. The funny thing is though he is even more strict with me now then he was before.
The last time I think i got spanked was maybe 10swats and some corner time for breaking a rule. Since then he has come up with other things. He lectures ALOT more and He has made me apologize for my attitude even in front of the kids GAH!!! I really felt lost because I didn't have any "real" Discipline for my behaviour but he was throwing alot of new rules and guidelines and being very strict with me. It was really hard to get used to. We would have very dominant sex not so much bdsm just ya know a little rough.. Anyway so when i started hearing talk about the 50 Shades Of Grey books i thought "I really need to read that." Well when i started reading it I was disappointed but the more I read i did get a few things from it but the whole time I was reading the books i was soo upset and aggravated because I really want Tyler to be dominant like that.
I really need that structure and sense of security. I told Tyler about the book as best i could. I gave him ideas and one night he used an idea on me and it was nice. It was after I had done a few things wrong and I felt i needed something.. So who knows what he will have in store for me next..
I do think we are in a great place right now. He does lecture and correct me in "His own way" not "My way" So i guess that what this is all about.. SO when I feel i need spanked I don't get upset or frustrated because I know I'm not going to get spanked..
The last 2 weeks he has been dealing with kidney stones and in alot of pain. He's been in and out of the hospital so its been me dealing with alot of things. I made a few decisions without talking to him and he let it known that this is not who I am and not what we are about and just because he has been in the hospital doesn't give me reason to act however I want to...
So I'm sure at some point once he's better and I'm just going along he will surprise me with a spanking. Sooo for now I will just take what I can get and be a good girl..
I just have to remember I trust him to lead me and he never lets me down. He usually knows what is best for us.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
I had lines to write but didnt get them done. I new I wouldnt get them done. I told Tyler I wouldnt get them done NO TIME!!! Well when the deadline was close and they werent done he said "Make sure they are done tomorrow.
I thought this meant i had one extra day.. Nope he meant that i was getting spanked and they needed done. He's given me lines before but i've always got them done. I had other things i needed to get done and he agreed that stuff had to be done too but he also said a punishment is a punishment. Ok fine. I wasnt mad or anything. I really needed a spanking because there were other things attitude etc.
I dont know whats wrong lately. I was dealing with depression for months but now I dont feel depressed I just dont know what I feel.
Friday, April 13, 2012
Anyway however Saturday he hurt my feelings so bad and humiliated me I was ready to sign divorce papers... Well not really but i for sure wanted to throw in the dd towel and forget it all. It took me about a week to get over. I didnt get spanked for any of my additude through it all which was probably good.. Now we do have a submit through all things relationship and I do understand he will make mistakes but i dont know where my heart would've been in all that if i had gotten spanked. I was going to post through it all but honestly i didnt feel like doing that and then I started a stretch of working in which i am now on day 10 of working and it looks like I wont get a day off till day 16 ugh.
Anyway we made it through the situation. It was more like silence for a few days and just kind of humble reaction i suppose. We talked about dd and what I desired and his worries. After our nice talk its been about a week and he's really stepped up. He has given me a no sweets rule which O MY is hard on me. He's followed through with a few short spankings. You have to realize that I'm an awful eater. I work at a convinience store so I eat pizza and junk all day. A mounds bar is my bestfriend.. Ugh not eating chocolate is like taking away my life line lol.. He is really being strict about it.
Tonight I got a short hand spanking and my first corner time. The corner time made me want to cry more than the spanking. Now he has only given me a hand spanking 2 or 3x other than a quick warning swat. I think he new hand was best I needed that connection. He works 6am-4pm and I work 4pm -11pm so we get like 20 min in the morning and 20 or so at night if he can stay up.
Anyway we are growing in TTWD and its not always easy but our line of communication is more open and our love is stronger than its ever been. I know some day I will be saying "O My careful what you wish for lol"
Friday, March 30, 2012
We didnt know where the world was going to take us but we could conquer it together.
Well we have conquered it together. It may not have been the easiest roads. There were bumps, hills and even Mountains but were ok climbing it together. I was in love with him then but after 16yrs I think I'm more in love with him now then I was the day we said "I DO."
I've grown to know His unconditional love. He has given me 3 wonderful children. I couldnt imagine life without him. I couldnt imagine living 16yrs with anyone else. I trust him with my life. I'm happy to have him on this journey of life with me. I cant wait to play with our grandchildren and grow old together.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
"My wife has a very strong personality. Stronger than mine actually. I want to help her to mellow out some and defer to me but don't want her to feel like she's losing her personality. I read some posts today and see that you tell your wife to be herself. How do you balance allowing her to be herself (my wife says Susie is feisty like she is) and still help her to become more submissive to you?"
The one part of the question that got me was "My wife has a very strong personality. Stronger than mine actually."
I feel like that is Tyler and I as well. I have a very take charge personality and I have often said to my friends " I feel hes not strong enough to take me on" OOO man that is an awful response I know.
Well then Her Hohs answer really got me thinking. His answer was:
"Susie is as feisty as the little girl in the Verizon Wireless commercials…and has the same issue. I’ve thought quite a bit about it, and what I eventually came up with was this: if she really in her heart wants to be a submissive wife where I am the leader in our marriage, then she is the one that wants to change and tone down some of those feistier characteristics. It is my job to help her round off the sharper edges and channel some of that attitude into areas which help our marriage and our family."
There is more to the answer than that but this was what hit me. Yes I want to be submissive and at times I feel I do all the work but in reality I do NOT. I work on it for a little bit but then i feel when he is not helping me round off those sharper edges then he doesn't care. When i feel he doesn't care I go on fly around like the free bird I am minding my own business getting more mad at him for not helping me but in reality he may have let one thing go and so I think hes isn't trying and so then i don't care.
So how am I showing him that I want to be a submissive wife and him the leader? The answer is I'm not. I want him to show me that he is the big boss. Why cant i just except that he is in charge so that our marriage and house runs smoother because when I am submissive and do my very best that's when our house runs smoother.
Friday, March 23, 2012
"But what??, you like my butt?"
"Daisy you are going back to what you used to be the last 3 months you have not been very submissive."
"How can you say that? Just last week you said you were proud of me and I was doing good and now you tell me for 3 months I been bad? You say your not happy? this makes no sense to me at ALL!!!"
"You just do whatever you want at times and I'm not saying its all bad its just you. you dont rub my feet anymore. Your texting more . you dont set close to me anymore."
"Well why do you wait 3 months to tell me this. It isnt fair you cant wait that long and decide things arent ok."
":See theres the problem I can do what I want I'm in charge remember."
"Yes Sir but"
"No buts Daisy you need to straighten up NOW!!"
"I know I been depressed."
"Well now its time to pick your self up and starting acting right. I'm done with your laying around and moping. you have responsibilities to do and I will NOT go back to the way it was before."
You know sometimes I feel like I'm hitting my head up against a brick wall. I dont understand his thinking but heres the funny thing. i probably should've blogged on Tuesday like a friend told me to because as I was writing that out it all made sense to me.
Its soo easy to get into the flow of life and leave the spouse behind. Tyler and I both work 40 hrs a week. he has more of a 9-5 job where my job can be 4pm to 11pm or 4 am to 11 am or 4 am to 8 or 9 pm... I'm sldo a manger and I'm large and in charge lol.. Plus we have 3 kids that are each usually playing one or 2 sports and none of them are driving yet.
When I'm not a dominant woman and never could be a dom I am a strong willed and independent.. I like to call myself a free bird
For instance Monday night I got 5 swats with an eraser thing thats like a snake.. You ask "Why did he use that?" Well because its quiet and it was handy lol.. Those 5 swats however lasted a few days.. However he told me Monday night that we were far from done that I needed to learn submission.. He said I cant even stay still and quiet for a spanking.
"Well buster let me spank you and see if you can stay quiet or still". Ok ok I didnt say that outloud..
Anyway I texted him Tuesday morning and told him if he wanted to finish up the spanking tuesday night i would stay quiet and take the spanking. Tuesday came we talked and thats when all the verbs exploded but no spanking. Today is Friday and well No spanking....
He says if I really wanted this dd lifestyle that I would just do it. I do want it but i want his help and sometimes its not there. It feels that hes lazy. hes not a lazy man but in the area of leading he wants me to always do what I'm supposed to and not ever be mouthy and the same for the kids so that he doesnt have to work at it. Now I'm not bashing him this is just how I feel.
Anyway back to the problem at hand. My heart is in dd but my heart is also fight or flight. I'm sooo used to taking care of myself. I am the youngest of 6 kids so my parents were older and tired when I came around. i never had consequences and i pretty much took care of them and me. When Tyler and I first got married (Centuries ago it seems) lol I was very clingy and submissive and dependent and he didnt like that. So he changed me
His dad Said "Son quit trying to change her you will be sorry." If Tyler never listened to anything his dad ever said that should've been the ONE thing he listened to.
Really what i want is for Tyler to take care of me. NOW I'm not saying Tyler doesnt take care of me he does but maybe I wanna be lazy and let him do all the work!!! OK OK I said it I'm tired of feeling like i do everything. I wanna fall backwards into his arms and let him carry me for a while. He doesnt understand or beleive this. I think he really wants it too and doesnt realize it. He always says he doesnt wanna micro manage me but he does. That is fine but Its more confusion. One minute he says he doesnt wanna micromanage me just let him know what I'm doing after work etc. next minute he wants me to ask him permission to do everything. I try and ask but i forget.. A friend just ask me "Did you ask Tyler if you could blog?" "GRRR "No but I had my day planned."
Ooops see I'm just a free bird!!!!
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Monday, March 12, 2012
LET THE BATTLE BEGIN!!!
Well most of the time I'm compliant when it comes to a spanking however there are those times that I'm mad and I dont want a spanking. Well this paticular Saturday I was frustrated.
We dont argue alot since dd but when we do it can get ugly. Mostly my mouth runs and he doesnt always put me otk like he should. Often times the arguments end in him leaving to cool off or me going to sleep.
OK did I say bright? Yeah maybe not so much. Tyler told me I needed to watch myself and I proceeded to get up and the kids and i left to go to my moms. well my daughter ended up staying at my moms and when I got home the boys left. Tyler and I were talking about earlier issues and I may have gotten a little mouthy ()atleast he said so. He gets up and says he's tired of this. Well i'm used to him saying that and leaving to cool off. So i said "Fine just walk out then."
Wrong thing to say It turns out he wasnt leaving the room. He was grabbing the padddle. Wrong thing for me to say at that given time.
He grabbed the paddle
I said "NO NO I'm sorry.
"To Late were gonna take care of this".
The first wack was wayy to much.
"Your swatting harder than normal" I moved
"Daisy we will start over every time you move!!"
"Please use your hand." I begged as I moved and he continued to start over and over
Well this went on about 5 times;. A few swats and I couldnt take it. I continued to beg for his hand. Finally he got me pinned on the bed and went to town. He was talking about something like I needed to learn discipline in every sense of the word .When he was done i was very sorry and submissive.. He made me stay in that position for about 30 min then i went to sleep..
We talked a few weeks later about the spanking. I Felt he finally took me to that level. He chipped away some of my sassiness and brought out more submission. It was the first time I was really crying after a spanking. It deffinantly showed me who was in charge and that in fact is NOT me!!
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
So Tyler and I made it through the summer andy into the fall...were made it through christmas andy into the New Year...
Ttwd isnt always easy. It seems I push him because I feel ime trying andy he' s not. He thinks I'm not trying so we just play tug a war with this ttwd...
There has been spankings and I think finally after a year and a half he finally grabbed a hold of a piece of my submission in one big chunk...that will be a post called "battle of the paddle"
I have been going through alot over the past few months...I sunk into a depression I couldnt get out of.. All I did was sleep andy work.. I felt I was coming out of it then a friend of mine lost her child andy it hit me like a ton of brinks. I was grieving hard for my friend.. I think because she has already gone through so much I wanted to take this grief away...
Tyler has been trying hard to be gentle but he can be a not nonsense guy.. I been putting off all the things around me to wallow in this pitty....we had a nice talk which is something we couldnt do for years...I listened he listened andy in the end I realized how much I was hurting him...even though I try to keep it in he can tell....he is so in tune with me that he knows how sick I am, with a cold or something and I dont even realized it'l.a....Funny how tttwd has brought us so close...
Well anyway I'm picking up the pieces.. Ime trying hard to gives it all to God which is all I can do...
So anyway just trying to bring you all up to speed before I start my weekly posting...
That's all for now
When summer hit baseball was in full swing lol.. I gotta job and dd was not really existant. It was there but no consistant. We were to busy or tired or something.
Then when DD came back well I still meant to post. Here I am though DD is in full swing and has been for a while. Still a little consistant here and there but hes more dominant more take charge so even though he may not spank all the time hes definantly in charge.
Ive been wanting to get back to blogging. I also have been writing and the story site we were gonna put up obviously we never did but i think I've decided to start another blog with my stories in them atleast maybe some short stories.
So since I been wanting to get back into blogging a friend and I were talking and she wants to blog more too. So we challenged eachother to a blog post a week. My hope today is to be able to post a couple of post and get you all caught up to this little life of mine :)