Well in my last post i told you about what had been going on and I told you I left all my groups.
I wanted to get back to them but Tyler said I wasn't ready. I felt I was ready but as the days have gone on I realized hes right..
See i told you about a bad break down i had. I just felt empty inside and i didn't know why. I also told you about a friend who just stopped talking to me with no explanation. She was a dd friend and is on the groups. I think i would be ok with being on there with her but it took some tolls on my life loosing her friendship. I'm getting to the point that o well I have other friends who truly care about me. So i will go on with life i suppose...
It often seems Tyler is soo right about so many things with me.. He knows me better than i know myself.. So why do I still struggle with the fact that he lets things go? He is in charge.. I have rules to live by and he lectures when i don't live by them.. He doesn't think maintenance is for us so in between spankings that are usually a month or so I just get scattered and by the time he spanks me again its more severe than it could have been but then were back on track for a while. I tell him that I'm feeling off etc and we try a few things but no real spanking and it helps a few days but its hard to live by all these rules without any real consequences..
Well anyway this is why he really doesn't like me on groups. He feels that I get to jealous and to wrapped up in their lives and don't pay attention to ours and not satisfied.. which hes right. That's why i try not to read many blogs and read many fictional stories..
I don't know in so many ways i feel alone and confused... I'm not alone I have Tyler and I have lots of great support.. I'm currently in a fog right now and I don't know why..
I just need to realize he knows whats best and hes here for me.. this relationship isn't all about my wants and needs and its about letting go of the control and trusting him.. I do trust him..
All in all we are so much closer and so much more in love than ever before so for that i'm thankful. i just need to be more open to live the life the way he wants me to and not what i want..
Some days I feel back to normal. I wanna write I wanna read and I'm satisfied with life. Others i just wanna sleep.. the good thing is there are more satisfied normal days then wanting to sleep days..
Anyway its alot of rambling but its good to get it out.. I will be ok and it will all be ok.