Monday, October 28, 2013

I feel so complicated sometimes. I have lots of insecurities  with Tyler and friends.

My insecurities make me build walls. I haven't built walls in a few years especially when it comes to Tyler. It seems lately though as soon as he tells me that he was upset with something I did or it bothered him I instantly put up a wall and feel like a failure.

I do the same with friends. I try and answer text and phone calls right away if I cant I'm working but it rarely happens. When I get used to talking to someone daily then something strange happens I build a wall. I feel like something is wrong. I feel like they are tired of me and I'm too much. I feel like I'm High Maintenance.

                                                            I HATE IT

I hate feeling insecure, I hate feeling needy,

Its really hard on me because once I build these walls I  look for everything to be wrong. Even though everyone tells me everything is ok I still feel its wrong. Things never seem to go back to normal.

I have too many voices in my head. I guess I want to feel wanted and when I start feeling wanted then I dont feel at all. I dont know. I am not sure what to feel or think anymore.

Hey There

Hey guys I just wanted to drop a note to everyone. Seems October became a busy month for me. I went on an unexpected but fun vacation for 6days.  I was on vacation with a DD friend so of course we kept our eyes peeled for any fun tools.. Ok I will try and update more soon and OO yes my Surprise is almost ready!! Yay!!!   Ok enjoy the pictures below

So this is why the following items are needed

This was used in pottery by the Indians. Hmm easy for the Indian to say "Come here WOMAN!!"

Really they have useful kid toys

this was found in a store by the Hillbilly stuff!! I'm sure these were meant for naughty wives

This is how big the Indians spoons were. Ok can you imagine bending over for that?? Those would make you go flying

This is probably why all those above items are necessary  because woman make shirts like this.

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Update on us

I just wanted to let everyone know Tyler and I are doing ok.

Thank you for your replies and concerns.  We are going through some kind of growth spurt lol . It for a lack of better words.  Also I want to clear up when I said Tyler was shutting me out I just meant at that moment. Yes I was worried it would be longer because he said "When you learn to be totally submissive you can come back to my bed." I knew that would be a LONG time.

Anyway it was just that night. From time to time he will use the punishment of making me sleep on the couch because he knows how much that gets to me. I have to be touching him to sleep.  Well he fell asleep and I came up to bed. I really hated to get into bed without asking him. However our son and his friends were all down stairs and when I sleep on couch our daughter gets upset because she thinks were going to divorce like everyone else. (Her words)

Anyway he didn't say anything about it and we talked that day. I have some learning to do and we have gone back wards in some ways but in some ways we are moving forward.  I really think this hurdle is good for us. We have been doing ttwd for 3yrs however we took about a 1 1/2 yrs off. We did it off and on and neither of us really tried. I was going through alot of grief and he was laid off we just weren't in a good place.  Now were in a good place. We are both very serious about our rolls well him more than me at times I think. So now we have to work through working through ya know?

So that's that. We are doing good and working through. I may have over reacted when I posted and it wasn't meant to be a bash on him at all but I needed to get some feelings out and I was hurt.  I'm doing ok now just have a busy weekend.

Hugs and thanks again.

Saturday, October 5, 2013

Just can't get it right

Either he's getting really strict or I have a big loose mouth. It seems no matter what I say or do lately I'm getting spanked or put in my place. Its not about going a week without getting spanked its more like trying to go a day without getting spanked or put in my place.

I have been reading around and bloggers have had an anniversary. They talk about how much has changed in the last few years since they started TTWD.  It seems for us that things haven't changed alot. Well they did the first 2yrs then the last year has been a struggle, Well the last 6 months have been rough. The closeness is there but my submission is in passing.

I have been trying harder the last few months to do better and be more submissive. Well everything came to a head a few weeks ago when I was late getting home from work and didn't call and tell him. He proceeded to tell me I haven't followed the rules in a long time.

 My answer was "Well you haven't cared or said anything so I been trucking along."

His answer "That stops today, and that's the problem if I don't say anything you just do what you want."

Well Wow he's right he's always said "If you want this in your heart then you would act like it."

Well what I want  is someone to take charge of me and MAKE ME!! OK I said it out loud.(not to him of course)  I"m an alpha lady ok!!  No No I'm not a dom I am just a strong take charge kind of gal. If there is a storm I go in and march right threw the storm and take care of it.

I don't want to be able to step over that line not one bit. Well guess what I think Tyler has realized what I need and what I want. He isn't given me an inch and while its frustrating me its also exactly what I need.

I have also learned that I need to show him more and make him feel more appreciated. I have read around and woman talk about keeping a clean house and making dinner because that's what their Hoh wants.
Well how selfish am I?  I want him to take charge and give me no lead way. He is doing what I want now I realize I need to quit worrying about what I want and do more of what he wants. I guess I've always worried about ME ME ME and not so much about him.

Well I guess we learn something new everyday and as I'm writing this I'm realizing my selfishness. When I started to write this it was going to go a different way but as I was writing I was realizing how my words were being selfish and how I need to change.

Submission is such a challenge but it is a challenge I shall meet to the highest.

This shall be my motto, I will work hard at being Submissive

I don't know anymore

I just feel exasperated anymore. Is this submission?

If I tell him how I'm feeling he tells me everything I've done wrong to get here. He sees no wrong in what he has done.

If the air conditioner is broke I get it fixed,
If the car is broke I get it fixed,
If we need money for something important like rent, car payment, etc I find the money,
If something is going on with the kids at school I have to call and take care of it,
If the kids need to go somewhere besides practice I do it.
I do all the house work, get all 3 kids up for school, cook all the dinner and make any phone calls etc that need made.
I also work 40 + hours a week and I'm pretty much in charge of a company under the owner.

What does he do? Go to work when he's not laid off and he takes the kids to practice other than that he watches tv and sleeps.

I can't keep my mouth shut, He says something I bawk back. I interrupt, I argue, I can't stop. The only difference is I don't yell like I used to.  He plainly told me last night that he runs this house and he doesn't want my input, He finally got his manhood back after I took it away for 13yrs so he doesn't want to hear anything I have to say.

He told me I was doing really good for a while then I turned back to a mouthy bratt.
I told him yes but back when I was like that we were doing maintenace and

And before I could say for almost 2yrs you let everything go he had me on my stomache over the bed spanking me hard.  I am exasperated.

He said he can't spank me all the time because we have know privacy so it allows me to act the way I want.. Hmmm funny thing is when we do need to clear the air about something and do have alone time I either have to coax him to spank me or he just lets it go.  Its funny though when he's had enough he spanks.

We have done corner time and that works. I have suggested he have me kneel instead of me doing it on my own all the time. I've tried to come up with ways and Ideas for him to keep me in submission and I get nothing!!

Maybe he's right I am to head strong to be submissive.
Maybe I'm right when I say he's not strong enough to help me!!

When I say "This is what I want
He says "If this was what was in your heart then you would want it and show it more."

Everything I write on my blog is exactly how I feel. Its not made up to be a good blog it is who I want to be. He doesn't read this so I have no reason to say things for his benefit. I just don't get it. I don't get me!! Why can't I just shut up and be the wife he wants me to be.

When we first got together and our first year of marriage I was very dependent and naturally submissive. He didn't like that so he changed me because he was afraid I couldn't take care of myself. I could though because even though I had great parents growing up they were older and tired and we took care of eachother but mostly I took care of us.  I wanted him to take care of me and he wanted me to take care of us!!

Maybe I want someone to take care of ME!! Maybe I don't want  to have to do ALL the damn work ALL the time.

I am a very strong Alpha woman (Not dom though) and I can take care of my self but I'm TIRED OF IT!!

Hell the trash doesn't get taken out side if I don't. When i ask him to help me keep up with that because it always seems they are trying to see how high they can get it.  He does help he just smashes it down. I finally take it outside to the bin and then and then you know what else?? If I don't take it to the curb then we end up with weeks worth of trash and guess what?? Can you guess?? Well I have to figure out a way to get it to the dump or call the trash people for extra trash pick up.

I just don't know anymore. Maybe I'm kidding myself, Maybe I don't want this maybe the thought of it is good and maybe I'm a spanko that just wants spanked when I want it.
Maybe he's not cut out to step up and be a caring loving husband to me.

All I know is I want peace in my house and I could have peace if I could keep my mouth shut.

Maybe he's right when he says it should say on my tombstone "Here lies Daisy who can't keep her FUCKING MOUTH SHUT!!!"

My life feels like one big horrible exasperating JOKE!!!

Maybe I should just chalk it all up to I FAILED!! I FAILED as a wife and a submissive. Its not something I can do. Maybe if I just realize that I will just move on!!

I don't know I just feel out of control and can't fix it!! Maybe that is the issue I'm used to fixing everything and not letting anyone and he's trying to fix it and I Can't let GO!! IS that the answer?

Right now he's kicked me out of the room and not to come back till I can be submissive. I'm pushed away to fix my problem!! OUR problems!!  Do I just leave him alone and continue to stay away and work on my submission till he sees changes? Can I change?

My butt aches, my heart aches and I'm at such a loss!!


Friday, October 4, 2013

Fun night and helpful friends

A few weeks ago my boys were going out for the night so I took my daughter to my moms.

I had been telling Tyler I needed a good girl spanking. Well actually he bought a new belt and was playing with me earlier smacking me with it. I was teasing because it didn't hurt like the old one.  A friend texted him and told him to make sure to use the new belt real good on me..

Then  later I was  texting my friend  Paige she had one of my boys I wanted to make sure they were going to be gone for a while. . She said "He's staying the night so spank away and  tell Tyler to give you a spanking for me, because I need one too" giggle giggle.   Geesh I have some great friends huh?? LOL

  Tyler went to drop movies off and while he was gone I got all dressed up. I put on my school girl skirt with my white knee socks, my white top and pig tails and when Tyler came home I was kneeling at the bed. I had the leather heart shaped paddle and the belt laying next to me. I had been good so I thought I was getting a good girl spanking well Tyler thought other wise he started laying into my butt with the paddle and letting me know of some issues I needed to fix!!! Well it was exactly what I needed. We finished up with some nice hot sex where I was totally dominated and love it!!.

Later Paige text and said My son and hers were whining because they wanted to come stay the night at my house. I told her it was ok we were done. she said "Good because I would be pissed for you if you weren't!!"

Lol I just want to say I love my friends they want me spanked and all sexed up on a kid less night!!