Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Help me; Help you

Its ok I wont resent you if you discipline me for something you dont do. We can work on it together. Thats what this lifestyle is all about!!! Right?  Well you might say wrong but i say Right!!!

Things have been weighing heavy on me.. I have sooo many horrible habits and unfortunately Tyler has some of the same bad habits.  In the beginning Tyler decided that he wouldnt discipline me for things he had issues with too. Well we also thought maintenance wasn't needed and maybe a mans way of throwing around his leadership... Well we were wrong lol we need it!! I need it.  If theres one thing I've learned while venturing into this lifestyle is like anything else. Were all different. All women have different needs and men have different wants or expectations have ya.

So after talking to a friend who was struggling with the same thing a light bulb went off.. Why cant he spank me for the issues i want help with? Didnt we start this lifestyle to help us both grow in our marriage and lives??  So if he's disciplining me for these things then I would think it would make him work harder at it?  maybe?? yeah i think most likely so.. Well i journaled about it and I'm just waiting to see what he says. 

Knowing Tyler if he started disciplining me for these things it would make him become more disciplined and wanting to improve on these issues too.. neither of us need to be smoking especially Tyler who is having issues right now. I dont need to be either. So if him helping me quit makes him quit I'm all for it. I wanna do for him that he does for me. Since all i really can do is ask him to quit well maybe firing up my bottom will help him quit!!! lol

He is doing so well at standing strong and working hard at his roll of HOH.. My backside things so as I'm sitting on the couch and still feel the sting from the blind rod last night.  It was maintenance night and i asked for help with my teeth grinding because it is a major issue. Grinding my teeth is causing health problems. Headache, Neck hurts!! anyway unfortunately i sit with a sore bottom and i'm grinding my teeth!!!! ugh I guess I am going to have to ask for a reaffirming of this tonight!!! OOO asking for a spanking is like talking in front of millions of people if you have to do it you can it just truly SUCKS!!!

I really do think Help me Help you will work ok for us. I understand some women would have resentment if their hoh made them do something that they didnt do themselves but for me its what i want.

Friday, November 15, 2013

Flatulence = Spanking ??


Tyler hates when I fart in front of him. Lol I don't just fart in front of anyone but come on we been married 18yrs. I don't do it all the time.  If we are laying in bed watching tv he wants me to go to the bathroom to fart.  I get up and go to the bathroom and I can't fart!! So I go lay back down and there it is again!!! So I go back to the bathroom and nothing AGAIN!!  I lay back down and there it is. So I just give up and fart!!


"Hey" He says

" My stomach hurt and I was trying to go to the bathroom to fart and it kept going away. You fart all the time why can't I?"

"It's Not lady like" 
 "O Phooey if ladies didn't fart we would explode too!!"

"Ha I think it should be a spankable offense!! Maybe I should ask other HoH'S or you ask your friends."

"O for Pete's sake you can not spank me for farting!!"  We both laughed but then he stopped laughing and trying to be all serious

"Hey I can spank you for whatever I want"  Then he reached behind the bed where the arsenal is. (that's what I like calling it) 

I quickly grabbed his arm "Yes yes you can but I don't need spanked now and I don't need spanked for farting."

 We went on to a different subject.

So do you think that Flatulence should be a spankable offense?
Remembers who's friend you are when you answer that question!! Lol   

yup this has occurred at my house but I didn't do the farting

Monday, November 11, 2013

Welcome Lurkers Come say hello!!


If you don't know what L8L day is 
Its the 8th annual Love our Lurkers day.  We are celebrating you our Lurkers.     Thank you Bonnie for hosting L8L Day!!

I met one of my bestfriend on the blogs. She never had a blog and she was a lurker she read but never replied.  One day she decided to send me an e-mail. Now 3yrs later we have met in person and talk and text all the time.. Now I'm not saying that you have to e-mail me and become my bf lol.. I'm just saying that you never know what you will get if you just jump in!!

I will tell you just a little about me I'm a mom of 3 kids. My husband spanks me for punishment and for fun. We have been married 17yrs and doing ttwd for 3yrs!!

I enjoy writing spanking fiction. If you stick around long enough you will see I have some surprises up my sleeve

Now maybe you can tell me a little about you or just simply say hello!!


Saturday, November 9, 2013

Picking up the pieces

First I want to say thanks for all the prayers, thoughts and hugs I really appreciate it.

Thursday was her funeral and it went well. Tyler and my oldest son were in the front carrying the casket. That meant so much to me.

 Her sister was driving us all crazy but that was to be expected. She has her own issues. It really did bother me though because I know her and I knew their relationship and her cries were out of so much guilt.

My cousin and I used to talk about how her sister and my oldest sister were alike. They never really come around unless they want something or if they could say "look at me look what I'm doing."  Like if someone was sick and they may not have helped at all but maybe once and they make sure EVERYONE knows it lol..

Anyway it was actually comforting because I know as I was rolling my eyes so was my cousin. It was sort of an inside thing and comforted me at the funeral. May sound mean and odd but ya know.

At the funeral I didn't cry much. When the friends went out and it was only family my cousins mother-in-law broke down.  My cousins husband was comforting her and he was looking at me. I was trying not to break down but I couldn't help it. He said "don't cry your going to make me cry"   We were all just trying to march through..  Her brother-in-law played the guitar and her niece sang during the service. It was very nice.

After we got home I was making dinner and I saw tuna. It reminded me of the tuna dinner she made and the kids loved so I still make it.. When I make tuna casserole I normally use cream of mushroom soup with tuna and peas or green beans. She always just made mac and cheese, threw in tuna and peas and there ya go!!.  Anyway then I started thinking when or if her husband remarries will I like her? ( I know jumping ahead)  Once I thought that I just broke down because I said to myself "Its not her Its not my girl, Its not the same"

I was trying to keep it together and make dinner and fold clothes.   I finally had to go in the bedroom where Tyler was. The light was off and he said "why are you breathing heavy?"

I collapsed on the bed  and bawled into Tyler's chest and said "She's gone, Shes really gone." I didn't think I was going to quit crying. I finally thought I was done and went to check dinner but then my oldest was walking up the stairs and I started crying again. He threw his arms around me and let me cry on his chest. I even got tears on his sweat shirt.

After that I felt better. like I said I hadn't really cried. I think the funeral finalized it for me. A friend also said I was probably in shock before my grieving period.  After those cries I pulled it together the rest of the night.

My Cousins husband text me and asked if I thought the funeral went good and  if I thought she would like it. I told him it went great, Her closest friends and family were there and thats what was important to her. I also thanked him  for letting Tyler and my oldest carry the casket it meant alot.  He said he wouldn't have it any other way.  I told him  I know she would love that and really she would be super excited that Tyler was carrying her. We both laughed. (It was always an inside flirty thing lol)

Yesterday though I wasn't doing well when I was alone driving. I called my sister both times I just needed to talk to her. Poor thing she didn't know what to say but she listened to me cry and ramble.

I was starting to feel bad because I hadn't seen her for a while. I started looking back at our text ( I saved them to my phone) As I looked back when we tried to get together it just never worked out and it was her that always had something come up. As I read through I realized she knew I loved and cared for her alot. That's what is important to me that she knew how much she meant to me. So as I move on yes I wish for one more day but one more day is not going to change a thing.  She still is going to know that I love her and nothing will change that.

Now I am just going to make sure I stay in her kids lives. Her daughter is 15 she still has some road ahead of her. I made sure she had my number and knew I am and always will be here for her no matter what.

Thank you for letting me share and open up. I normally don't open up much on my blog. I just needed to get it out.

I will march on now and leave you with this

                         What your friendship means to me 
         We watched each other have babies, We watched them grow together
                       We walked each other through marital bliss 
                       We walked each other through children saga
         We planned birthday parties, baby showers and wedding showers together.
                      We cried together, laughed together and broke down together
         We picked each other up even when we could barely carry ourselves.
                      We griped with each other and at times at each other
         We grew a friendship that we never knew would mean so much
With each tear we wiped, with each heartache and laughter  we gave each other a piece of our hearts
          We didn't know what this friendship would ever mean 
 For me it means I got to know and love you and build a friendship that never ends.
           Some don't know your smile or your laugh
           Some don't know your heartaches or your deepest secrets but I do. 
Some don't know what a wonderful sweet and loving person you were but you know me I will tell them.
            Some day I will see you again, for that day I can't wait
I know you will be there waiting for me with your beautiful smile on your face
             I will get to hug you and hear your laugh again.
Until then I will remember you, I will mourn for you and ache for you.
             I will always love and remember you 
 My sweet sweet cousin and friend xoxoxoxo

Thank you for reading and sorry if the post is blotchy. I'm a writer not an editor  :)

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Dropping in with some sadness

Hi guys I was going to post about something funny and post about my secret but life threw me a curve ball, Well more like smashed me into a brick wall.

My cousin was 34 yrs old and lost her life. She was sick for a while but it was kind of a shock. I know she's in a better place. Tomorrow we lay her to rest and then pick up the pieces.  I haven't seen her much in a while but we talked and still were very close.  For about 7 or 8 yrs we were together all the time. I watched her kids every day. She had my boys when I had my daughter and my oldest missed his mom so she snuggled him all night.  Our families were close we did lots of things together.  I'm thankful for the awesome memories I had with her.  

When we would go a little while without talking or texting we would always say

"I love you, and miss you,"

"me too"

"I know you know,  You know I know. I love you to pieces!!"
We would say that at the same time then laugh!!

My first memory of you is funny as was the rest of our life.
I dropped you on your head but did not pick you up. Back then we were 5
When we were in our 20's if I ever dropped you on your head I would have picked you up
You picked me up so many times. I would like to think I did the same. My memories of you are fond
and sweet. You told me once if you ever wanted the truth you would ask me. Thats what you loved the most about me. We always said "People either love me or hate me." You said you would always love me. I will always love you.  I feel sad at the times we didn't meet up over the past few years or the times you called and I was too depressed. I'm not dwelling on those times because I know you forgave me. I know you understood. We have wonderful years of memories of Christmas and birthdays with just our little families. We always made it special. Just the hubs and the kids. We have many years of serious and fun talks. I cherish the years that you were a big part of my life. I cherish you taking care of the kids like they were your own. Snuggling with my son who missed his mommy while I was having my little girl.  The times I'm dwelling on is when you made me feel so special.

I saved all your text to my phone. The last text from you is my favorite because it quotes our friendship our love.

Me: Hey you I miss you
You: Sorry I have a  new phone and do not have all my contacts in , who is this please?

Me" Lol should I give you a hint? Lets see I love you to death, our moms were cousins and bfs and so are we :)

You: Whats Up girl I miss you too and you know it!! How have you been?

Thats my fav part "AND you know it!!"   We loved to say "You know I know , I know You know I love you!!!

I love you forever girl to the end of the earth and back. Tomorrow I lay you to rest and it will be so real. More real than I want. I think right now its nice to think your home and I'm home and your a phone call away.  The truth is I can't pick up the phone when I'm missing you. I guess though I can just talk to you right there. I know you are watching me and I'm sure shaking your head a time or 2!!  Hey now you know my one secret I never got around to telling you!!

I'm not mad at you for dying. I know you are in a better place. The last few years of your life have been rough but now your healthy and happy!!  Give your mom a big huge hug for me, give my grandma a big hug, Tell my grandpa I miss him sooo much and tell him all about my kids!!

I love you girl now you can watch over all of our kids at once!!  Send me little secrets about the kids ok?

Monday, October 28, 2013

I feel so complicated sometimes. I have lots of insecurities  with Tyler and friends.

My insecurities make me build walls. I haven't built walls in a few years especially when it comes to Tyler. It seems lately though as soon as he tells me that he was upset with something I did or it bothered him I instantly put up a wall and feel like a failure.

I do the same with friends. I try and answer text and phone calls right away if I cant I'm working but it rarely happens. When I get used to talking to someone daily then something strange happens I build a wall. I feel like something is wrong. I feel like they are tired of me and I'm too much. I feel like I'm High Maintenance.

                                                            I HATE IT

I hate feeling insecure, I hate feeling needy,

Its really hard on me because once I build these walls I  look for everything to be wrong. Even though everyone tells me everything is ok I still feel its wrong. Things never seem to go back to normal.

I have too many voices in my head. I guess I want to feel wanted and when I start feeling wanted then I dont feel at all. I dont know. I am not sure what to feel or think anymore.