Monday, September 16, 2013

Do you really have those days and moments that it just seems well I don't know.

I have been trying really hard to go that extra mile and be submissive. I'm kneeling beside him without him asking. I make his plate etc. He has also come to a point where he's doing something to discipline me that is a fine line. (I will introduce it some other day) 

Anyway I just wonder if he really wants this or if I'm just really a spanko and he enjoys the efforts I don't know.  Ugh its soo frustrating lately because it seems I want to write and its all up there in my head. IT goes something like this

"OO I could post about that and this and o this and that,"

"I could write a story about this and that oo that's a good thought o yeah."

Then I get a free moment to write or post and This is what happens.

"                                    "    yes insert nothing there!!

Gah its like I cant explain myself.. Maybe i'm trying to candy coat it and make it look pretty and not reveal whats really going on in my head. The frustration and anger, Anger at myself, Tyler, my family. I'm Just not where I thought I'd be after 35yrs.

Our oldest will be 17 in a month and soon moving out. I just feel like I've given him nothing in the last 4yrs of his life. We have been soo freaking broke and not able to do anything

To Help The World Indeed

You ever stumble across things and it just eats you up? You ever see people writing about something that seems so magical but you know is not? Do  you just want to scream in panic and cry because you know its not magical and its not real? Its kind of like when you see a kid walking into the road and a car coming you run and jump out there not caring if you take a hit.

Well, that's what I'm doing today. I am not judging anyone because, well, I've done it. But I cant sit by and watch others be filled with dreams and hopes of something good coming. I understand everyone has their own way of life. I understand that everyone is not effected or wired the same.

When I read around blog land I see males are Doms to females, females are Dommes to males, females are Dommes to females, males are Doms to males. There are also people who switch, Doms are married but their spouse know they have platonic subs. Subs are married but know their spouse has a platonic Dom. Their are also people out there that have no platonic subs or Doms but their spouse is ok with that. Well that's ok with me. I really don't care. To each their own - whatever makes them happy.

What I'm here to talk about today is affairs. Affairs where the spouses don't have a clue that their spouse is with another man or woman. AFFAIR is a very ugly word and thing. I read around blogs and I have memory flashbacks. I was the OTHER woman!!

I wasn't a sub or we didn't do anything like this, but you know what? He said the same things to me that is being said to others. I don't want anyone to stop blogging because I make them feel bad but I do wish the affair would stop!! You're killing you!! Each day a little of you goes away till one day when you wake up their will be none of you left. Then you will have to rebuild you.

Rebuilding you is NOT fun at all!! He never promised me a future with me. As a matter of fact we both knew it was quite clear that that would NEVER happen.  However, my love and my emotions for him over grew me to where I didn't know me. I didn't know who I was or what I was doing. I was trapped inside my body looking out. Fighting for a way out and always loosing in the end.

I knocked on the wall to the world and nothing happened. I looked in the mirror only to find me gone and empty inside. Finally, one day I crawled out of myself into the world just to curl up into a ball. I had to learn how to socialize again. Stand on my own two feet. Laugh again, love again and care again. I nearly killed myself from the inside out.

I was an ugly, mean, hateful person because I was bound up inside so long. I was bound up with nowhere to go. Its only fairy tales and there's nothing left to say. I loved, I hurt, I cried, I lost, I ran, I fought, I loved again, I laughed again and I stabilized.

The affair was drama that caused PTSD!! I will never be the same. I will never be "OK" I will merely walk in victory of winning new battles everyday and conquering myself. I will never say "if only" or "what if" or "but" anymore." I will say "Look at what I have. Look at what I conquered and look at what I won."

So if you think that being the other woman or having another woman is fun? Its not!! Its a job. It is hurt. It is two lives in which one will win over someday to rebuild or self destruct will take place.

What In The World? Sub Drop? Pms? WHAT??

I shared about my spanking on Friday.. Well Saturday had me crazy

Saturday morning we woke up and were laying there talking. I had my back to him and he started spooning me. I was ordered to lock the door then take of my sweats. So we reconnected then got up  and headed to our daughters soccer game. I felt great we were running late and forgot some things at home but when we would normally be frustrated and griping at each other we weren't we were laughing.  After the game we were laughing and everything was fine. Tyler dropped me at home and went to Wal-Mart. I started cleaning my room and then it hit me!!      
What hit me? I don't know a mac truck, a black cloud no clue!!. Then I realized Aunt Flo was visiting so I thought maybe I was having weird PMS symptoms or something.
I just felt lonely and empty. I just wanted to cry it was getting worse and worse.  Tyler came home I told him how I felt and he gave me a hug told me maybe I was hungry.  I left the house to go get some stuff done. I had my 17yr old with me. We did some errands then got lunch. I made a big sigh and he asked what was wrong. I told him how I was feeling and I just wanted to cry. He said everyone feels that way sometimes.

Anyway I got back home Tyler was sleeping and I went up to finish my room. I started praying and crying and listening to Plums "I need you now"

Well I just couldn't shake it. I left to go do something else then text a friend and asked her what she thought I could take. She mentioned maybe I had PMDD. I went in and talked to a pharmacist and he told me to try Midol but it might not help the mood. He asked if I was feeling depressed or had anxiety. No I felt neither. I told him maybe I should just go get a shot of vodka even though I don't drink.  We both laughed and he said "Well it will at least put you to sleep."

I left there and was texting a friend and she had called her earlier because she knew I was having a rough day and I disappeared when I was praying and crying. She mentioned that maybe I was having a sub drop.  A WHAT!!! A SUB DROP!!

"Isn't that something that happens during?" I asked her

"Well I've heard it can occur a few hours or day later."

"Well if that's the case I don't like this."

We both laughed and really never came to a conclusion.

So here is a question for my wise ole blogger friends

Do you think its possible it was a sub drop? Or was it merely that aunt Flo is getting worse as I'm older?

If it was a sub drop how do I prevent it in the future?

My spanking on Friday was probably the most dramatic spanking I had in a long time if ever.  It was pretty rough, It was the first time that I really didn't hear his lecture and it left me with a ton of emotions.  I never felt so good after a spanking and so meek. I felt refreshed and fulfilled. Well after I got over being angry but the anger wasn't long.

Did we reach a different peak in a spanking that I never experienced before?

I did take the Midol and after that I felt very tired. My emotions felt better but I just felt whipped out. It felt like the day was a blur and I felt kind of loopy honestly. I thought it was the Midol that did it but on Sunday I took it and it didn't do that to me. Sunday I felt ok I just took the Midol incase my emotions were from Aunt Flo.

Maybe the spanking did totally wipe me out.  I will tell you this if it was a sub drop  I really have to figure out how to not let that happen again or a better way to deal with it.

Just FYI for those who were possibly grossed out at the fact that we had sex and Aunt Flo is here. Well she wasn't here until after we had sex. He broke the dam so to speak!! lol

Sunday, September 15, 2013

This Girl Is on Fire

Saturday was our middle childs (youngest sons) 14th b-day  and he really wanted a desktop.

I found him one on craigslist and was soo excited because I knew he would be happy. Friday night while he was at a football game I brought it home and was trying to set it up.
Tyler was sitting on the chair eating and watching tv. I was having troubles moving some stuff so I was getting frustrated that he wasn't helping. No I did not ask for help and I know how can I expect him to know I need help? Well he just should OK!!

I got it all plugged in and it wouldn't turn on. Well Tyler comes over to help and I'm getting so beyond frustrated!! He said the monitor wasn't plugged in and I knew that. It didn't matter that the monitor wasn't plugged in. THE TOWER WAS NOT COMING ON!!!

Especially If your a spanked wife!!!

I was getting super frustrated because he was asking dumb questions and he's concerned with the monitor not being plugged in when once again IT DOES NOT MATTER why? BEACAUSE THE TOWER WONT TURN ON!!!
Tyler has a computer cord  in his hand trying to help me figure it out. There were no kids in the house and guess what??
Yup I blew up. See above where I'm screaming that "IT DOESN'T MATTER THAT THE MONITOR IS NOT PLUGGED IN" Yeah well I think it came out something like that when I said it outloud to Tyler

I was sitting on the floor and Guess what?? Yes you guessed it!!

 I was no longer sitting on the floor but i was pushed over and  laying face down on the floor in seconds flopping around like a fish out of water!! All dignity GONE!! It really was a sight I'm sure!!

Those darn cords hurt!! A friend asked me what he said during the spanking and the only thing I heard was "MOVE YOUR HAND!!" I do remember when he was done he said "You will NOT talk to me like that!!"


I have never put my hand back before. I haven't had a spanking that bad in a long time!! This might have been the worse spanking I have gotten.
When it was done I was mad and laying on the floor crying and breathing hard. I got up and ran upstairs because I was worried a kid would come in and see me laying on the floor a blubbering mess.  I took a few minutes and calmed down. It was amazing how I felt so relaxed when I came back down. I felt like a new me!!

I'm soo glad he took care of that instead of letting my attitude get worse and us get into an argument. My butts still sore and I think it will be for a few days but I am a happy, content girl!!


    For some odd reason the outlet I was using wasn't working anymore and it just worked a day ago!!
So yes the computer is working and he was super excited!!

Friday, September 13, 2013

Catching Up with some fun talk

Well I guess were all caught up!!

Haha I'm Just kidding, If you know me I'm never loss for words!!  I saw that and thought it was funny so here is the regular scheduled program:

I should write 2 post but, I will just write this one for now lol.

I'm going to tell you the conversation I had with my friend Paige the other day.

I have told Paige about blogs that I read. I never went into detail about TTWD . I never told her about DD or anything but she is NOT vanilla lol.  We had talked about  D/s, M/s.  When 50 Shades of Grey was out and everyone talked about it Paige and I were talking to my niece (19) and her boyfriend about it and they had no clue about canes, or any of it for that matter.  Paige and I both laughed at them and  said "You guys are so vanilla." At the same time!!

Ok on with the story. So the other day she came to see me and said "Do you know any clubs hat have BDSM Play?"

I replied back quickly "I don't know but I wish I did!!"

"You been thinking about this haven't you?"

"Well Umm Yeah "  We both laughed


Well so one thing lead to another and I was ready to let her into my little life here!!. Well ok slowly,

 I said "Ok You can read, OO Wait no you can't ."   I would hand her the laptop and take it back. Anyway I finally said "Ok you can read this." I handed her back the laptop and let her read the poem I wrote The Submissive Her.  

I looked over at her "What are you doing? Only read that?"

She laughed  "I am,  I promise I'm just scrolling down so I can read it."

The next time she was scrolling the page up I looked at her she laughed again. "I'm just scrolling down to read.see look"  We both laughed and every time she scrolled she would say "Just scrolling"

I was so nervous it was a huge step to let her in.

When she finished she smiled "I really like that its good."

Now I was ready to let her in. I put the laptop on the first post I made on the blog and handed her the laptop "Ok you can start reading here." Then I covered my face.

She kept on reading  I had to drag her off so we could go to the store. We had a great talk the rest of the night. She said that maybe if her and her ex-husband did this then they would still be married. There was alot of power struggle there.  She was excited and asking questions. Her bf is very vanilla so its gonna be a hard road for her lol.. We both felt like this took our friendship to an even stronger level. We didn't think it could get any stronger.

So it's really cool to share that with her. I had been wanting to for a long time. I knew she would be ok with it but its scarey and a little awkward. 

She told me yesterday "We are going to have soo much fun!!"

O boy I'm pretty sure she's gonna get me in all sorts of trouble lol!!