Thursday, November 29, 2012

Working out the details

I have been meaning to post for weeks so i have alot to talk about but haven't decided yet if I will have one post or 2.

First off the last time I posted I posted about a little frustration I had with Tyler and how i think things should go.. Well he lets things go and go and go.. I found myself growing into old habits (which I'd rather not share at this point) I was feeling upset because when he lets things go it puts a wall between us because He gets frustrated I get frustrated.. I start to feel like ooo he wants me to walk all these lines and follow all these rules but he just wants to lecture..

It didn't matter how many times we talked about it. I journaled about it. I texted to him about it and I talked to him about it. He agreed and saw my point of view. He decided things would change but yet he didn't.

It gets very frustrating because I feel like I'm doing all the work in TTWD and he is getting all the glories. I hate when I get in this funk and I know i shouldn't. i try and walk the line but it gets hard. 

Well he finally put this whole thing to an end and gave me the spanking I needed/ deserved/ we needed... It was rough but it worked... I felt like it put us back together and I put my old habits to a halt and realized what i was doing.

it just gets hard because were in this routine. He is strict and has expectations and if i don't follow them he just lectures gets disappointed and i try to reel myself in alone.. I tell him i need reeled in but he seems not to want to be bothered.. Then finally after a month or so he's thrue with it and then I get a spanking of my life and were back to normal again.. It sucks because the spanking is harsh and i feel if he would take care of things more it wouldn't have to be so harsh.. This last time it took longer than usual because i had a GIANT wall built up which normally never happens..

Anyway you would think after 2yrs we would be more into things.. I don't know I just trust him and know i need to settle myself down.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Tyler knows best

Well in my last post i told you about what had been going on and I told you I left all my groups.

I wanted to get back to them but Tyler said I wasn't ready. I felt I was ready but as the days have gone on I realized hes right..

See i told you about a bad break down i had. I just felt empty inside and i didn't know why. I also told you about a friend who just stopped talking to me with no explanation. She was a dd friend and is on the groups. I think i would be ok with being on there with her but it took some tolls on my life loosing her friendship. I'm getting to the point that o well I have other friends who truly care about me. So i will go on with life i suppose...

It often seems Tyler is soo right about so many things with me.. He knows me better than i know myself.. So why do I still struggle with the fact that he lets things go? He is in charge.. I have rules to live by and he lectures when i don't live by them.. He doesn't think maintenance is for us so in between spankings that are usually a month or so I just get scattered and by the time he spanks me again its more severe than it could have been but then were back on track for a while. I tell him that I'm feeling off etc and we try a few things but no real spanking and it helps a few days but its hard to live by all these rules without any real consequences..

Well anyway this is why he really doesn't like me on groups. He feels that I get to jealous and to wrapped up in their lives and don't pay attention to ours and not satisfied.. which hes right. That's why i try not to read many blogs and read many fictional stories..

I don't know in so many ways i feel alone and confused... I'm not alone I have Tyler and I have lots of great support..  I'm currently in a fog right now and I don't know why..

I just need to realize he knows whats best and hes here for me.. this relationship isn't all about my wants and needs and its about letting go of the control and trusting him.. I do trust him..

All in all we are so much closer and so much more in love than ever before so for that i'm thankful. i just need to be more open to live the life the way he wants me to and not what i want..

Some days I feel back to normal. I wanna write I wanna read and I'm satisfied with life. Others i just wanna sleep.. the good thing is there are more satisfied normal days then wanting to sleep days..

Anyway its alot of rambling but its good to get it out.. I will be ok and it will all be ok.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

In a nutshell

Well I don't really know where to go with this post.. I guess mostly i will tell what has been going on and review this year.

I think this year has probably been the hardest year in a while. Not the worse or the baddest lol just the hardest..

I've lost a dear friend to murder, a dear friend lost her child, and I lost a friend simply because she decided not to talk to me anymore, not sure why. I guess you either love me or you hate me lol...

I had 2 break downs. the last break down is probably the worse i had and lingered with me the longest...

I changed job locations. Not jobs so much but i stepped down from being an assistant manager to just being me lol.

All 3 kids played baseball and softball up until October. Tyler had Kidney stones then now a toothache that he has to have surgically removed..

I got on meds and went through counselling so I'm doing much better. Its nothing Tyler did or could've done differently, I just took to much on in my life and couldn't take anymore. Funny thing is when this break down happened I didn't even realize it. Everyone was asking "Why do you look so empty?" I guess I was empty..
I've been doing great but there seems to be a day here and there that i fight the world and i guess I win.

I have had some good things go on.. I got to visit one of my best friends and I love her to pieces. Had a wonderful time and miss her lots. I got a new car and I'm in love with it.  My children are healthy and happy and doing good. My husband loves me dearly and I have some amazing friends.. So my world isn't all blah and doom lol...

As for TTWD well I just think we do it here and there lol. I've talked to Tyler about maintenance he says its not for us. I think with everything that has gone on he has had a hard time knowing what to do without being mean (Lack for better word). Because when my friend was murdered she was missing for 2weeks first and that took a toll on me. Then when my friend quit talking to me it was right in the middle of my break down and honestly i think that's what pushed her away. I got to needy and needy is not for everyone. I just think she assumed things...

Well i quit all my groups I was on and since i feel like i had it back together again i was going to start them back up but Tyler said no and ya know what? I think he was right. I'm not ready. I think sometimes I have to high expectations for people because I have a strong belief in friendship.. Kinda like "ALL FOR ONE AND ONE FOR ALL!!!" lol yup that's me.

Tyler says I can go back to groups when I have things here under control like my submission more under control, My duties at home more under control and he thinks I'm ready.. Hmmm My submission under control might take a while.. Lol No I'm learning to let him lead more and more. With buying the car i made a decision but there was another car so the final decision was his but he surprised me and got the one i wanted. That was hard for me..

I definitely think we have grown alot together in the past 2 yrs. I know I'm so in love with Tyler and its amazing. I will hopefully explain more in another blog as to why he doesn't want me on right now and really his reasons are dead on.

Anyway Thank you to those who have E-mailed and prayed for me. Thank you to all who have been here for me. I'm still out here and I lurk occasionally but its hard for me to read some post because Well some of you have the life i want as far as TTWD goes.. That's part of the reason why i cant be on groups...

Well if you  made it this far thank you... I will be fine and hope to blog a little more..