Ok this is probably the most confusion week of my dd life.. My last post was on how proud Tyler was of me and hes been telling me I been doing good but,
"But what??, you like my butt?"
"Daisy you are going back to what you used to be the last 3 months you have not been very submissive."
"How can you say that? Just last week you said you were proud of me and I was doing good and now you tell me for 3 months I been bad? You say your not happy? this makes no sense to me at ALL!!!"
"You just do whatever you want at times and I'm not saying its all bad its just you. you dont rub my feet anymore. Your texting more . you dont set close to me anymore."
"Well why do you wait 3 months to tell me this. It isnt fair you cant wait that long and decide things arent ok."
":See theres the problem I can do what I want I'm in charge remember."
"Yes Sir but"
"No buts Daisy you need to straighten up NOW!!"
"I know I been depressed."
"Well now its time to pick your self up and starting acting right. I'm done with your laying around and moping. you have responsibilities to do and I will NOT go back to the way it was before."
You know sometimes I feel like I'm hitting my head up against a brick wall. I dont understand his thinking but heres the funny thing. i probably should've blogged on Tuesday like a friend told me to because as I was writing that out it all made sense to me.
Its soo easy to get into the flow of life and leave the spouse behind. Tyler and I both work 40 hrs a week. he has more of a 9-5 job where my job can be 4pm to 11pm or 4 am to 11 am or 4 am to 8 or 9 pm... I'm sldo a manger and I'm large and in charge lol.. Plus we have 3 kids that are each usually playing one or 2 sports and none of them are driving yet.
When I'm not a dominant woman and never could be a dom I am a strong willed and independent.. I like to call myself a free bird
For instance Monday night I got 5 swats with an eraser thing thats like a snake.. You ask "Why did he use that?" Well because its quiet and it was handy lol.. Those 5 swats however lasted a few days.. However he told me Monday night that we were far from done that I needed to learn submission.. He said I cant even stay still and quiet for a spanking.
"Well buster let me spank you and see if you can stay quiet or still". Ok ok I didnt say that outloud..
Anyway I texted him Tuesday morning and told him if he wanted to finish up the spanking tuesday night i would stay quiet and take the spanking. Tuesday came we talked and thats when all the verbs exploded but no spanking. Today is Friday and well No spanking....
He says if I really wanted this dd lifestyle that I would just do it. I do want it but i want his help and sometimes its not there. It feels that hes lazy. hes not a lazy man but in the area of leading he wants me to always do what I'm supposed to and not ever be mouthy and the same for the kids so that he doesnt have to work at it. Now I'm not bashing him this is just how I feel.
Anyway back to the problem at hand. My heart is in dd but my heart is also fight or flight. I'm sooo used to taking care of myself. I am the youngest of 6 kids so my parents were older and tired when I came around. i never had consequences and i pretty much took care of them and me. When Tyler and I first got married (Centuries ago it seems) lol I was very clingy and submissive and dependent and he didnt like that. So he changed me
His dad Said "Son quit trying to change her you will be sorry." If Tyler never listened to anything his dad ever said that should've been the ONE thing he listened to.
Really what i want is for Tyler to take care of me. NOW I'm not saying Tyler doesnt take care of me he does but maybe I wanna be lazy and let him do all the work!!! OK OK I said it I'm tired of feeling like i do everything. I wanna fall backwards into his arms and let him carry me for a while. He doesnt understand or beleive this. I think he really wants it too and doesnt realize it. He always says he doesnt wanna micro manage me but he does. That is fine but Its more confusion. One minute he says he doesnt wanna micromanage me just let him know what I'm doing after work etc. next minute he wants me to ask him permission to do everything. I try and ask but i forget.. A friend just ask me "Did you ask Tyler if you could blog?" "GRRR "No but I had my day planned."
Ooops see I'm just a free bird!!!!