Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Confucius Say "What??" Part 2 "Submissive heart?"

So my friend Susie and her Hoh blogged questions and answers. Oneof the questions asked was:

"My wife has a very strong personality. Stronger than mine actually. I want to help her to mellow out some and defer to me but don't want her to feel like she's losing her personality. I read some posts today and see that you tell your wife to be herself. How do you balance allowing her to be herself (my wife says Susie is feisty like she is) and still help her to become more submissive to you?"

The one part of the question that got me was "My wife has a very strong personality. Stronger than mine actually."

I feel like that is Tyler and I as well. I have a very take charge personality and I have often said to my friends " I feel hes not strong enough to take me on" OOO man that is an awful response I know.

Well then Her Hohs answer really got me thinking. His answer was:

 "Susie is as feisty as the little girl in the Verizon Wireless commercials…and has the same issue. I’ve thought quite a bit about it, and what I eventually came up with was this: if she really in her heart wants to be a submissive wife where I am the leader in our marriage, then she is the one that wants to change and tone down some of those feistier characteristics. It is my job to help her round off the sharper edges and channel some of that attitude into areas which help our marriage and our family."

There is more to the answer than that but this was what hit me. Yes I want to be submissive and at times I feel I do all the work but in reality I do NOT. I work on it for a little bit but then i feel when he is not helping me round off those sharper edges then he doesn't care. When i feel he doesn't care I go on fly around like the free bird I am minding my own business getting more mad at him for not helping me but in reality he may have let one thing go and so I think hes isn't trying and so then i don't care.

 So how am I showing him that I want to be a submissive wife and him the leader? The answer is I'm not. I want him to show me that he is the big boss. Why cant i just except that he is in charge so that our marriage and house runs smoother because when I am submissive and do my very best that's when our house runs smoother.

Susie also commented that "He can spank me till the cows come home but it is my responsibility to make the internal changes that better both myself and our marriage.  As we women often say, our submission is a gift that we give our husbands.  It can't be spanked into us"

Wow this is exactly what i wanted him to do spank submission into me.

Wow what was I thinking? I have been on groups and boards etc for almost 2yrs and what have I learned. I have focusedso much on what he wasn't doing and didn't dare to focus on what I was doing.. I am repeating behaviours that I did for 13yrs. Man Tyler is right.

So wow what do I do? Where do I go from here? I feel awful that I've done this to him. I guess Maybe this is a post I should email him and show him. Along with my sincere apologies and I will work on doing so much better. OO Sigh

To Be continued.........................

There was more  to the question and answer of Susie's blog. You really should visit her blog. Her blog has really helped open my mind.



  1. Daisy,
    First, we're honored that you found something in our words. It's always hard to know when you put something out there whether it will resonate or not.

    I totally hear what you are saying here and yes, I think you and I would totally agree on having our submission come from the heart and be working on the internal changes. Here's the rub though, and where I'm concerned that you are being too hard on yourself.

    I am blessed with a HoH who has taken on his role with some real seriousness. You may remember way back to our first months when we struggled with inconsistency. In my feisty control-monster way I got fed up and pretty much told him to either lead and lead well or move over, b/c I was taking over. Ha...I'd never say that now, can you imagine the spanking! I don't think those were my exact words but it was what I communicated to him and he not only stepped up but let me know that I wasn't to question him on it again. I haven't had to. Finding these places in my heart and making all the changes--it is so easy to do when he is standing right behind me encouraging, exhorting and holding me accountable. Tyler ought to expect you to be working out your submission but he has a huge responsibility too. As you work on sticking your hand in his and being led, I wonder if it will encourage him to keep moving and give you more of that leadership that you need. I know he's done it in the past, but for your sake I really hope he can stay strong for you in turn give you all the encouragement you need.

    M and I were talking in bed the other night and he said to me "How hard would this (ttwd) be if we'd been married for 20 years? We'd have so much to undo." It's true...I think you guys are pretty amazing. All of this is going to get better.

    1. Hi Daisy (and Susie)

      We are going through pretty much the same struggles. Susie told me the same thing and MAN is it hard to still submit when our HOHs don't seem to be doing their jobs. But I'm committed to trying ... maybe we can support each other. Praying for ya!

    2. Hi susie thank you for the encouraging words...I am working hard on it...I understand wonsdering if your words touch anyone I always wonder the same...well know this yourself touch me :)

      today is 16yrs for our marriage ...I always tell hubs I wish he wouldve spanked me on our wedding night...o how different our marriage couldve been :)....

      Abby im so happy you blog and im glad to share this journey together....some day im, sure we will say " careful what we wish for" lol

  2. Hi Daisy,
    I'm not a Dd expert, but I can tell you what I did that helped Henry and I to change our dynamic. I had the same revelation as you did, but mine came much earlier in our journey b/c H recognized that if I were going to fight him at every turn, he was going to be pretty damn exhausted policing me.

    What's a girl to do? (you ask) You begin by "acting as if..." he were already leading you. Defer to him when possible and appropriate. Do as he asks, even when it's difficult or inconvenient. Find ways to please him and look for his positive traits and not only admire him, but compliment his efforts as well.I began by telling H how proud I was that he worked so hard to provide for our family. Do this right away and see if he notices the change in you.

    Now here's the really hard part- b/c all of these changes take time. Tell him just what you wrote here in your post, then ask him to step up and lead you. Don't expect him to jump up and take the reins immediately. You had control for quite some time, and he may not fully understand. Help him to understand.

    As you are letting go, allow him to step in and take charge. When he does, let him. It sounds easier than it really is. He may not take over everything all at once, so find patience within yourself. He may find his way without your encouragement and praise and he won't *want* to lead you if you are not a willing follower. This is a difficult period and frustration is likely. Know that up front, and do your best to allow him space to fill. If you continue to lead, there isn't a void for him to step into.

    Don't worry that it feels forced and uncomfortable at first. Change takes time. Allow him mistakes and set backs, and step in without complaint as much as you can when he seems to step back. When it's really getting you down, go to him and tell him in a respectful way how it makes you feel, and how much you need and want him to take over. Try your best not to criticize but rather tell him what you want and need. If you've been giving him what he wants and needs, he will likely feel a strong pull to do the same for you.

    Then, once you've said what you need to say, let him work things out in his head. He has to own it, but he can't read your mind. It's tricky business changing your old habits and for him to change his. Celebrate the smallest of changes on the way. It helps a lot.

    Perhaps the most difficult thing of all is to allow him to lead you the way he thinks you should be led. This is so hard b/c we all have an idea in our head of what Dd should look like. If his ideas are different from your own, this part may surprise you. If you criticize her, he will believe that you want a puppet and not a husband with a mind of his own. *Try* his way. You may find that he gives you things that you didn't even know that you needed. This happened to me- most of this. This is very condensed, just so you know.

    I hope you don't mind my lengthy reply. Susie and M did a great job on this recent post that you were captivated by, and the one before this one as well. I love reading their blog and you're right. Others should check it out. :-)

  3. daisy,
    You know Elysia said what I've been telling you(hint hint) and I also know the recent steps you've taken to follow that advice and this should be an encouragement to just keep at it.

    Also while I think you needed tihs revelation of some of the old patterns being still in play I think Susie's right in that you don't want to be sooo hard on yourself that it defeats you into thinking that you can't do anything right so it's not worth trying. Old habbits die hard. BUT you can do it!!! So just stick with it.