I struggle alot with my feelings. I have huge feelings and most times i leave them inside. When someone i know hurts I hurt. I want to fix everything and take their pain why BECAUSE I CAN HANDLE IT!!
Yeah thats what my inner mind screams. GIVE IT TO ME I WILL TAKE CARE OF IT!!! It screams again.
When people are going to get divorced I see a fun loving couple. I see the hurt inside of them. I know the pain she feels. She feels she is no longer in love with him and he feels that too. I know she can love him again I know because that was me. All the hurt I felt inside spun over onto Tyler. It caused alot of heartached in our lives but in the end we pushed through. He drug me up the mountain. I pushed him to the top and with God we held hands walking down the bottom. As we walk to the bottom though there are little mole hills that seem like a mountain. You know the old saying "Your making a mountain out of a mole hill" Well thats what it is. You see we climbed the mountain. Even though that mountain felt like I climbed it alone and we didnt do it together WE DID!! It took team work. He drug me, I drug him, He pushed me, I pushed him, I pulled him he pulled me and together at the top we held hands looking down at the rest of our lives together. We were never alone. God was always with us. You see without God we couldnt have climbed to the top. without God we cant hold hands to the bottom.
I know that Tyler and I arent the only ones who can make it. Its just takes alot of energy to push and pull and drag. I dont tknow where i get the energy. I think i have figured it out though. I have a friend who is very young and has been through alot. She likes to retrieve into herself and it hurts me because I really wanna be there for her and I think she is so young to be hurting. I told her the other night "You are too young to be hurting. If you dont take the world by your hands that it will swallow you up. You have to enjoy life and prepare yourself now while your young and have no kids because if you dont when you get into your 30s and life really starts hitting you then you will have know fight left.
Life is hard and life is rough. I cry inside alot i have alot of pain. I feel unwanted and unloved. I feel used and abused at times. I heard this song on the radio the other day and I just cried. I'm ready for no more tears, no more fears and no more sorrows. Then I dry my eyes and I'm reminded of this song and it really brings light to me. Then i hear the story behind it (If you want to know the story behind it you can here it here )
I never write a post like this. I always felt my blog was for dd. But i really dont have anywhere else to write my feelings down. So i feel like writing this maybe its not for me or maybe it is for me. Who knows.
I been making alot of changes in my life. I walk every day and I'm spending more time with my kids. I dont have alot of time but I'm realizing that its ok if my house stays dirty it will be dirty tomorrow..
Then there is my real world where people i know get divorced