Picking up the pieces

First I want to say thanks for all the prayers, thoughts and hugs I really appreciate it.

Thursday was her funeral and it went well. Tyler and my oldest son were in the front carrying the casket. That meant so much to me.


 Her sister was driving us all crazy but that was to be expected. She has her own issues. It really did bother me though because I know her and I knew their relationship and her cries were out of so much guilt.

My cousin and I used to talk about how her sister and my oldest sister were alike. They never really come around unless they want something or if they could say "look at me look what I'm doing."  Like if someone was sick and they may not have helped at all but maybe once and they make sure EVERYONE knows it lol..

Anyway it was actually comforting because I know as I was rolling my eyes so was my cousin. It was sort of an inside thing and comforted me at the funeral. May sound mean and odd but ya know.

At the funeral I didn't cry much. When the friends went out and it was only family my cousins mother-in-law broke down.  My cousins husband was comforting her and he was looking at me. I was trying not to break down but I couldn't help it. He said "don't cry your going to make me cry"   We were all just trying to march through..  Her brother-in-law played the guitar and her niece sang during the service. It was very nice.

After we got home I was making dinner and I saw tuna. It reminded me of the tuna dinner she made and the kids loved so I still make it.. When I make tuna casserole I normally use cream of mushroom soup with tuna and peas or green beans. She always just made mac and cheese, threw in tuna and peas and there ya go!!.  Anyway then I started thinking when or if her husband remarries will I like her? ( I know jumping ahead)  Once I thought that I just broke down because I said to myself "Its not her Its not my girl, Its not the same"

I was trying to keep it together and make dinner and fold clothes.   I finally had to go in the bedroom where Tyler was. The light was off and he said "why are you breathing heavy?"

I collapsed on the bed  and bawled into Tyler's chest and said "She's gone, Shes really gone." I didn't think I was going to quit crying. I finally thought I was done and went to check dinner but then my oldest was walking up the stairs and I started crying again. He threw his arms around me and let me cry on his chest. I even got tears on his sweat shirt.

After that I felt better. like I said I hadn't really cried. I think the funeral finalized it for me. A friend also said I was probably in shock before my grieving period.  After those cries I pulled it together the rest of the night.

My Cousins husband text me and asked if I thought the funeral went good and  if I thought she would like it. I told him it went great, Her closest friends and family were there and thats what was important to her. I also thanked him  for letting Tyler and my oldest carry the casket it meant alot.  He said he wouldn't have it any other way.  I told him  I know she would love that and really she would be super excited that Tyler was carrying her. We both laughed. (It was always an inside flirty thing lol)

Yesterday though I wasn't doing well when I was alone driving. I called my sister both times I just needed to talk to her. Poor thing she didn't know what to say but she listened to me cry and ramble.

I was starting to feel bad because I hadn't seen her for a while. I started looking back at our text ( I saved them to my phone) As I looked back when we tried to get together it just never worked out and it was her that always had something come up. As I read through I realized she knew I loved and cared for her alot. That's what is important to me that she knew how much she meant to me. So as I move on yes I wish for one more day but one more day is not going to change a thing.  She still is going to know that I love her and nothing will change that.

Now I am just going to make sure I stay in her kids lives. Her daughter is 15 she still has some road ahead of her. I made sure she had my number and knew I am and always will be here for her no matter what.

Thank you for letting me share and open up. I normally don't open up much on my blog. I just needed to get it out.

I will march on now and leave you with this

                         What your friendship means to me 
       
         We watched each other have babies, We watched them grow together
                       We walked each other through marital bliss 
                       We walked each other through children saga
         We planned birthday parties, baby showers and wedding showers together.

                      We cried together, laughed together and broke down together

         We picked each other up even when we could barely carry ourselves.

                      We griped with each other and at times at each other

         We grew a friendship that we never knew would mean so much
With each tear we wiped, with each heartache and laughter  we gave each other a piece of our hearts
          We didn't know what this friendship would ever mean 
 For me it means I got to know and love you and build a friendship that never ends.
           Some don't know your smile or your laugh
           Some don't know your heartaches or your deepest secrets but I do. 
Some don't know what a wonderful sweet and loving person you were but you know me I will tell them.
            Some day I will see you again, for that day I can't wait
I know you will be there waiting for me with your beautiful smile on your face
             I will get to hug you and hear your laugh again.
Until then I will remember you, I will mourn for you and ache for you.
             I will always love and remember you 
 My sweet sweet cousin and friend xoxoxoxo



Thank you for reading and sorry if the post is blotchy. I'm a writer not an editor  :)