You ever stumble across things and it just eats you up? You ever see people writing about something that seems so magical but you know is not? Do you just want to scream in panic and cry because you know its not magical and its not real? Its kind of like when you see a kid walking into the road and a car coming you run and jump out there not caring if you take a hit.
Well, that's what I'm doing today. I am not judging anyone because, well, I've done it. But I cant sit by and watch others be filled with dreams and hopes of something good coming. I understand everyone has their own way of life. I understand that everyone is not effected or wired the same.
When I read around blog land I see males are Doms to females, females are Dommes to males, females are Dommes to females, males are Doms to males. There are also people who switch, Doms are married but their spouse know they have platonic subs. Subs are married but know their spouse has a platonic Dom. Their are also people out there that have no platonic subs or Doms but their spouse is ok with that. Well that's ok with me. I really don't care. To each their own - whatever makes them happy.
What I'm here to talk about today is affairs. Affairs where the spouses don't have a clue that their spouse is with another man or woman. AFFAIR is a very ugly word and thing. I read around blogs and I have memory flashbacks. I was the OTHER woman!!
I wasn't a sub or we didn't do anything like this, but you know what? He said the same things to me that is being said to others. I don't want anyone to stop blogging because I make them feel bad but I do wish the affair would stop!! You're killing you!! Each day a little of you goes away till one day when you wake up their will be none of you left. Then you will have to rebuild you.
Rebuilding you is NOT fun at all!! He never promised me a future with me. As a matter of fact we both knew it was quite clear that that would NEVER happen. However, my love and my emotions for him over grew me to where I didn't know me. I didn't know who I was or what I was doing. I was trapped inside my body looking out. Fighting for a way out and always loosing in the end.
I knocked on the wall to the world and nothing happened. I looked in the mirror only to find me gone and empty inside. Finally, one day I crawled out of myself into the world just to curl up into a ball. I had to learn how to socialize again. Stand on my own two feet. Laugh again, love again and care again. I nearly killed myself from the inside out.
I was an ugly, mean, hateful person because I was bound up inside so long. I was bound up with nowhere to go. Its only fairy tales and there's nothing left to say. I loved, I hurt, I cried, I lost, I ran, I fought, I loved again, I laughed again and I stabilized.
The affair was drama that caused PTSD!! I will never be the same. I will never be "OK" I will merely walk in victory of winning new battles everyday and conquering myself. I will never say "if only" or "what if" or "but" anymore." I will say "Look at what I have. Look at what I conquered and look at what I won."
So if you think that being the other woman or having another woman is fun? Its not!! Its a job. It is hurt. It is two lives in which one will win over someday to rebuild or self destruct will take place.