Do you really have those days and moments that it just seems well I don't know.

I have been trying really hard to go that extra mile and be submissive. I'm kneeling beside him without him asking. I make his plate etc. He has also come to a point where he's doing something to discipline me that is a fine line. (I will introduce it some other day) 

Anyway I just wonder if he really wants this or if I'm just really a spanko and he enjoys the efforts I don't know.  Ugh its soo frustrating lately because it seems I want to write and its all up there in my head. IT goes something like this

"OO I could post about that and this and o this and that,"

"I could write a story about this and that oo that's a good thought o yeah."

Then I get a free moment to write or post and This is what happens.

"                                    "    yes insert nothing there!!

Gah its like I cant explain myself.. Maybe i'm trying to candy coat it and make it look pretty and not reveal whats really going on in my head. The frustration and anger, Anger at myself, Tyler, my family. I'm Just not where I thought I'd be after 35yrs.

Our oldest will be 17 in a month and soon moving out. I just feel like I've given him nothing in the last 4yrs of his life. We have been soo freaking broke and not able to do anything