Saturday, October 5, 2013

I don't know anymore

I just feel exasperated anymore. Is this submission?

If I tell him how I'm feeling he tells me everything I've done wrong to get here. He sees no wrong in what he has done.

If the air conditioner is broke I get it fixed,
If the car is broke I get it fixed,
If we need money for something important like rent, car payment, etc I find the money,
If something is going on with the kids at school I have to call and take care of it,
If the kids need to go somewhere besides practice I do it.
I do all the house work, get all 3 kids up for school, cook all the dinner and make any phone calls etc that need made.
I also work 40 + hours a week and I'm pretty much in charge of a company under the owner.

What does he do? Go to work when he's not laid off and he takes the kids to practice other than that he watches tv and sleeps.

I can't keep my mouth shut, He says something I bawk back. I interrupt, I argue, I can't stop. The only difference is I don't yell like I used to.  He plainly told me last night that he runs this house and he doesn't want my input, He finally got his manhood back after I took it away for 13yrs so he doesn't want to hear anything I have to say.

He told me I was doing really good for a while then I turned back to a mouthy bratt.
I told him yes but back when I was like that we were doing maintenace and

And before I could say for almost 2yrs you let everything go he had me on my stomache over the bed spanking me hard.  I am exasperated.

He said he can't spank me all the time because we have know privacy so it allows me to act the way I want.. Hmmm funny thing is when we do need to clear the air about something and do have alone time I either have to coax him to spank me or he just lets it go.  Its funny though when he's had enough he spanks.

We have done corner time and that works. I have suggested he have me kneel instead of me doing it on my own all the time. I've tried to come up with ways and Ideas for him to keep me in submission and I get nothing!!

Maybe he's right I am to head strong to be submissive.
Maybe I'm right when I say he's not strong enough to help me!!

When I say "This is what I want
He says "If this was what was in your heart then you would want it and show it more."

Everything I write on my blog is exactly how I feel. Its not made up to be a good blog it is who I want to be. He doesn't read this so I have no reason to say things for his benefit. I just don't get it. I don't get me!! Why can't I just shut up and be the wife he wants me to be.

When we first got together and our first year of marriage I was very dependent and naturally submissive. He didn't like that so he changed me because he was afraid I couldn't take care of myself. I could though because even though I had great parents growing up they were older and tired and we took care of eachother but mostly I took care of us.  I wanted him to take care of me and he wanted me to take care of us!!

Maybe I want someone to take care of ME!! Maybe I don't want  to have to do ALL the damn work ALL the time.

I am a very strong Alpha woman (Not dom though) and I can take care of my self but I'm TIRED OF IT!!

Hell the trash doesn't get taken out side if I don't. When i ask him to help me keep up with that because it always seems they are trying to see how high they can get it.  He does help he just smashes it down. I finally take it outside to the bin and then and then you know what else?? If I don't take it to the curb then we end up with weeks worth of trash and guess what?? Can you guess?? Well I have to figure out a way to get it to the dump or call the trash people for extra trash pick up.

I just don't know anymore. Maybe I'm kidding myself, Maybe I don't want this maybe the thought of it is good and maybe I'm a spanko that just wants spanked when I want it.
Maybe he's not cut out to step up and be a caring loving husband to me.

All I know is I want peace in my house and I could have peace if I could keep my mouth shut.

Maybe he's right when he says it should say on my tombstone "Here lies Daisy who can't keep her FUCKING MOUTH SHUT!!!"

My life feels like one big horrible exasperating JOKE!!!


Maybe I should just chalk it all up to I FAILED!! I FAILED as a wife and a submissive. Its not something I can do. Maybe if I just realize that I will just move on!!

I don't know I just feel out of control and can't fix it!! Maybe that is the issue I'm used to fixing everything and not letting anyone and he's trying to fix it and I Can't let GO!! IS that the answer?

Right now he's kicked me out of the room and not to come back till I can be submissive. I'm pushed away to fix my problem!! OUR problems!!  Do I just leave him alone and continue to stay away and work on my submission till he sees changes? Can I change?

My butt aches, my heart aches and I'm at such a loss!!


                                       

22 comments:

  1. I am stopping to say a prayer for you (and your husband). I had a hard time when I became a mother, and our responsibilities were not equal anymore. The way I handled it, (and that doesn't mean it is right for you), was to tell my husband that I was quiting my job, and looking for a part time job. Working part time, and him working full time or more, made me feel like things were more equal. I have no doubt that your husband knows things are not fair, but he struggles with taking on more after coming home from work. I believe that when you hold your feelings inside, it causes resentment and bitterness. I would suggest, whatever you do, you continue to communicate. Pray that God will show you what to do. I will be praying with you. God bless you and yours, -Belle L.

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    1. Thank you Belle..he was off yesterday and I came home to a clean house :) yay

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  2. Oh Daisy ( for the record I hate when people say Oh Willie on my blog too!)

    In so many ways I could have written this post. Almost all of mine and Barney's blow ups have been because I have felt I didn't 'make the list'. That I wasn't important enough to be taken care of. Mind you since starting ttwd, Barney has taken over more things in our house, just not ME.

    Over the past year he has said some pretty hurtful things to me too. Like~ " You are too much for me" or " You do submissive things but you aren't submissive" " I'm sure the other women 'here' are NOT like you" <~ Pffft I mean REALLY? LOL . We eventually got over those hurdles, but he was willing to communicate after the 'dust' settled. I hope your husband will be able to do that too. That you're being pushed out of your room is just an act out of hurt.

    Not sure this would work in your situation, and as you have been doing this a year longer than us, you have probably have already 'been there done that', but write him ( not in a criticising way about how you FEEL....)

    THIS hit home for me...because this is EXACTLY ME....".I had great parents growing up they were older and tired and we took care of each other but mostly I took care of us. I wanted him to take care of me and he wanted me to take care of us!!"

    It took months of trying to explain that importance to Barney. It wasn't until the last couple of weeks that he finally is getting it. Does your husband read things if you were to bring it to him? Zoe has a great post about Freedom ( email me). I have also been told the I Need Post I wrote, was really helpful for women/husbands to talk about ( gah I hate the way that sounded...so self promoting that is SO not what I meant by it...it is just sometimes you need a jumping off point to start a discussion)
    Anyway, one of the many times I felt like you did, I sat down and wrote Barney a letter ( I am better that way, I don't read his body language. And he has time to think before he talks to me) In my letter I wrote all the things I 'thought' I did to work on my submission, and asked him if he saw that? I then told him the changes in him ( also a good exercise for me) and asked him if he thought he saw more in himself. I then ended it with, " Maybe we both think we are projecting things toward each other that we really just aren't"

    I hope in some way that by writing this post, you have taken a tiny bit of an edge off of your hurt/anger. I am usually around if you want to 'chat' with someone who really does understand.

    Big Hugs
    willie

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    1. I will have to say "o Willie" next time lol...thank you its nice to know I'm not alone..I will send an email soon

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  3. I can feel your heart breaking. So sorry. I don't live in your house or know your husband but it seems to me that things are pretty unequal.
    Does he really want a DD lifestyle too? Maybe during his next layoff period, you could let go of everything extra you do and put it on him. You come home from work, take the kids to practice and let everything else go. See what happens.

    Haven't been in your shoes so I can only suggest. Once you get over being so upset, your intuition will kick in and you will come to an answer.

    Until then, hugs and good thoughts for a positive future.

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    1. Thank you Sunny I am doin better and have a better perspective on things. big hugs

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  4. Oh hon...Thinking of you. I know what you mean. When we manage things so well it takes a while for the dust to settle when things change. It is impossible to always take care of everything. Just let that garbage pile. Do not try and do it all. That isn't good for you.
    Share with him what hurts your heart vs what just is annoying.

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  5. Hug. Idk what to say. But I know that you're not the only one who's ever felt like this. Hug

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  6. oh there is so much i would like to say to this Daisy, but i will start with i think he is wrong to tell you about everything you have done wrong to get here!

    You should be able to express your thoughts and feelings and have them heard, really you need to talk to him about this or it will build up and get out of control....

    i do that..let things build up...its never the soloution.

    Hope this all passes soon.

    x

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  7. I am sending love & prayers your way, Daisy. I'm sorry you're hurting so much. <3

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  8. Daisy, I'm so sorry that you are hurting. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you.

    I think this is something you need to work through together. You need his help to find that submissive mindset rather than him shutting you out.

    (((Hugs)))
    Roz

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    1. Hugs back were doin better just a hurdle

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  9. Daisy,
    I'm writing without reading the other comments, so I apologize if I'm repeating somebody else.

    It's never easy. We've been at this only one year longer than you and it doesn't get any easier. If anything it gets more complex.

    I have a few questions though....I know...stop shaking your head at me. First, does T understand that in your head, being HOH or in charge of your home means taking care of the home which is in turn a way of taking care of you? Does he even want that, or would he rather sit down and break up all the household chores between the two of you and even the kids? It sounds like you want him to be more involved but that he doesn't get that it is a priority to you. There is also the laziness factor and I can only say that b/c my husband will quickly admit that he would much rather sit down and watch football than be outside taking care of our property. He is not driven to do that as others are.

    Second, in regard to the physcial part of DD....does T understand that even if you do not want spankings in the moment, you need them. Does he get that they connect the two of you in an intimate way that is hard for you to verbalize? Does it do the same for him and is he able to talk about it. I wonder if this is really about submission at all and more about communication and understanding how each of you view ttwd. If he wants a submissive wife, that is fine, but honestly Daisy, as you have said in a round about way, that comes with some real needs on your part. When you feel taken care of and cherished, your mouth settles down and you are more submissive. When you feel like something on his to do list, there is no way you can keep quiet and then you start to beat yourself up.

    Keep talking with him and know that when I say that I totally understand how hard that is. It's so much easier to just get through the day together than to really talk about what is going on, but it is the only way to come to more understanding. It's hard work.

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  10. We have talked and I think om just frustrating at times lol..we have worked through some things so hopefully this will be a big hurdle and we will be ok

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  11. Daisy,
    This is my first time posting on your blog. I read your post and felt like maybe I could say some things that might help, as an HOH in a DD lifestyle. It certainly seems like you’re having a really rough time at the moment, and for that I’m sorry.

    I can totally relate to your husband. There were times when my wife and I’s marriage was at a real low point and I just didn’t care. I wasn’t in love with my wife at the time and I didn’t hide that fact or hide that I wasn’t trying. She could nag or berate me all she wanted, she could plead with me. It meant nothing to me; I was cold as a stone. The more she squeezed, the more I slipped through her fingers. I’m not proud of how cruel and indifferent I was, but that was the reality at the time.

    Why do I say of this? This might be a scary thought, but you cannot change your husband. Your husband may not be as bad as I was at that time, but the concept is the same.

    I think your frustrations are legitimate, and I agree he should pull his weight more in the family and he certainly shouldn’t cut you off and ignore you. That isn’t what DD is about at all, I can say that much. DD requires communication, as I’m sure you know.

    But even if you can’t force him to change, you can still love him, respect him, and submit to him. Do it even if he doesn’t deserve it, as it’s not about deserving it. The goal isn’t to guilt him into loving you, helping out more in the house, and communicating with you again. The goal is for you to love him well and, once he sees that, it will soften his heart so that he wants to do all those things again. There’s no promise that that will happen, but try to be at peace about it. Peace is a precious thing. Love him, pray for him. Maybe he’ll come around and love you like he never has before.

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    1. Hi and thanks for stopping by. An Hoh input is always nice. We are doing better and he didn't push me away for long. Sometimes his punishment is to make me leave the room because thats the hardest but he never says come back when i'm ready to be submissive so i was worried. I will post more soon. Thanks again

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