50 Shades of Daisy

Lol I thought my title was appropriate.  Yes I read all 3 of the 50 shades of Grey Books.. I was a little disappointed that they weren't much bdsm I kind of wanted to learn a little.  I figured since we are now on a spanking hiatus that bedroom dominance would help.. We don't really get into alot of it but Tyler will spank and has used some nipple clamps and toys here and there..

So anyway let me back up first.   I know its been a while since I've blogged. I had a couple post written up but I was in such a bad place that I couldn't make since of them. I think my depression has gone now. Alot of my issues have been that Tyler pretty much stopped spanking. I haven't had one in over 2 months. Its not because I haven't needed it. Its because I guess he decided we didn't need it right now..  The funny thing is though he is even more strict with me now then he was before.

The last time I think i got spanked was maybe 10swats and some corner time for breaking a rule. Since then he has come up with other things. He lectures ALOT more and He has made me apologize for my attitude even in front of the kids GAH!!!  I really felt lost because I didn't have any "real" Discipline for my behaviour but he was throwing alot of new rules and guidelines and being very strict with me. It was really hard to get used to. We would have very dominant sex not so much bdsm just ya know a little rough.. Anyway so when i started hearing talk about the 50 Shades Of Grey books i thought "I really need to read that."  Well when i started reading it I was disappointed but the more I read i did get a few things from it but the whole time I was reading the books i was soo upset and aggravated because I really want Tyler to be dominant like that.

I really need that structure and sense of security. I told Tyler about the book as best i could. I gave him ideas and one night he used an idea on me and it was nice. It was after I had done a few things wrong and I felt i needed something.. So who knows what he will have in store for me next..

I do think we are in a great place right now. He does lecture and correct me in "His own way" not "My way" So i guess that what this is all about.. SO when I feel i need spanked I don't get upset or frustrated because I know I'm not going to get spanked..

The last 2 weeks he has been dealing with kidney stones and in alot of pain. He's been in and out of the hospital so its been me dealing with alot of things. I made a few decisions without talking to him and he let it known that this is not who I am and not what we are about and just because he has been in the hospital doesn't give me reason to act however I want to...

So I'm sure at some point once he's better and I'm just going along he will surprise me with a spanking. Sooo for now I will just take what I can get and be a good girl..

I just have to remember I trust him to lead me and he never lets me down. He usually knows what is best for us.

Just feeling Bla

I'm sorry i havent been writing once a week like i said I would. I have been working alot and with the kids in sports now. When I have any free time I want to write but just cant pull myself to.  I actually started a post about my last spanking and punishment i just couldnt finish it and days turned into weeks now its been maybe a month.

I had lines to write but didnt get them done. I new I wouldnt get them done. I told Tyler I wouldnt get them done NO TIME!!! Well when the deadline was close and they werent done he said "Make sure they are done tomorrow.

I thought this meant i had one extra day.. Nope he meant that i was getting spanked and they needed done. He's given me lines before but i've always got them done. I had other things i needed to get done and he agreed that stuff had to be done too but he also said a punishment is a punishment. Ok fine. I wasnt mad or anything. I really needed a spanking because there were other things attitude etc.

I dont know whats wrong lately. I was dealing with depression for months but now I dont feel depressed I just dont know what I feel.

Working out the Kinks

Thanks to everyone for the anniversary wishes. We had a great night together on our anniversary all went great. I surprised Tyler with a school girl outfit and a heart shaped leather paddle. Lol i even had a sucker in my mouth.  We dont really practice much kink in bed but we are working on spicing up our sex life lol..

Anyway however Saturday he hurt my feelings so bad and humiliated me I was ready to sign divorce papers... Well not really but i for sure wanted to throw in the dd towel and forget it all. It took me about a week to get over.  I didnt get spanked for any of my additude through it all which was probably good.. Now we do have a submit through all things relationship and I do understand he will make mistakes but i dont know where my heart would've been in all that if i had gotten spanked.  I was going to post through it all but honestly i didnt feel like doing that and then I started a stretch of working in which i am now on day 10 of working and it looks like I wont get a day off till day 16 ugh.

Anyway we made it through the situation. It was more like silence for a few days and just kind of humble reaction i suppose. We talked about dd and what I desired and his worries. After our nice talk its been about a week and he's really stepped up. He has given me a no sweets rule which O MY is hard on me. He's followed through with a few short spankings.  You have to realize that I'm an awful eater. I work at a convinience store so I eat pizza and junk all day. A mounds bar is my bestfriend.. Ugh not eating chocolate is like taking away my life line lol.. He is really being strict about it.

Tonight I got a short hand spanking and my first corner time. The corner time made me want to cry more than the spanking. Now he has only given me a hand spanking 2 or 3x other than a quick warning swat. I think he new hand was best I needed that connection. He works 6am-4pm and I work 4pm -11pm so we get like 20 min in the morning and 20 or so at night if he can stay up.

Anyway we are growing in TTWD and its not always easy but our line of communication is more open and our love is stronger than its ever been. I know some day I will be saying "O My careful what you wish for lol"

Today is our Wedding Anniversary

16yrs ago today I stood in front of friends and family saying "I Do" to Tyler.


We didnt know where the world was going to take us but we could conquer it together.

Well we have conquered it together. It may not have been the easiest roads. There were bumps, hills and even Mountains but were ok climbing it together. I was in love with him then but after 16yrs I think I'm more in love with him now then I was the day we said "I DO."

 I've grown to know His unconditional love. He has given me 3 wonderful children. I couldnt imagine life without him. I couldnt imagine living 16yrs with anyone else. I trust him with my life. I'm happy to have him on this journey of life with me. I cant wait to play with our grandchildren and grow old together.

Confucius Say "What??" Part 2 "Submissive heart?"

So my friend Susie and her Hoh blogged questions and answers. Oneof the questions asked was:

"My wife has a very strong personality. Stronger than mine actually. I want to help her to mellow out some and defer to me but don't want her to feel like she's losing her personality. I read some posts today and see that you tell your wife to be herself. How do you balance allowing her to be herself (my wife says Susie is feisty like she is) and still help her to become more submissive to you?"


The one part of the question that got me was "My wife has a very strong personality. Stronger than mine actually."

I feel like that is Tyler and I as well. I have a very take charge personality and I have often said to my friends " I feel hes not strong enough to take me on" OOO man that is an awful response I know.



Well then Her Hohs answer really got me thinking. His answer was:

 "Susie is as feisty as the little girl in the Verizon Wireless commercials…and has the same issue. I’ve thought quite a bit about it, and what I eventually came up with was this: if she really in her heart wants to be a submissive wife where I am the leader in our marriage, then she is the one that wants to change and tone down some of those feistier characteristics. It is my job to help her round off the sharper edges and channel some of that attitude into areas which help our marriage and our family."

There is more to the answer than that but this was what hit me. Yes I want to be submissive and at times I feel I do all the work but in reality I do NOT. I work on it for a little bit but then i feel when he is not helping me round off those sharper edges then he doesn't care. When i feel he doesn't care I go on fly around like the free bird I am minding my own business getting more mad at him for not helping me but in reality he may have let one thing go and so I think hes isn't trying and so then i don't care.


 So how am I showing him that I want to be a submissive wife and him the leader? The answer is I'm not. I want him to show me that he is the big boss. Why cant i just except that he is in charge so that our marriage and house runs smoother because when I am submissive and do my very best that's when our house runs smoother.

Susie also commented that "He can spank me till the cows come home but it is my responsibility to make the internal changes that better both myself and our marriage.  As we women often say, our submission is a gift that we give our husbands.  It can't be spanked into us"

Wow this is exactly what i wanted him to do spank submission into me.

Wow what was I thinking? I have been on groups and boards etc for almost 2yrs and what have I learned. I have focusedso much on what he wasn't doing and didn't dare to focus on what I was doing.. I am repeating behaviours that I did for 13yrs. Man Tyler is right.

So wow what do I do? Where do I go from here? I feel awful that I've done this to him. I guess Maybe this is a post I should email him and show him. Along with my sincere apologies and I will work on doing so much better. OO Sigh

To Be continued.........................

There was more  to the question and answer of Susie's blog. You really should visit her blog. Her blog has really helped open my mind.

 www.hermischiefmanaged.blogspot.com

Confucius say "What???"

Ok this is probably the most confusion week of my dd life.. My last post was on how proud Tyler was of me and hes been telling me I been doing good but,
 ,
"But what??, you like my butt?"

"Daisy you are going back to what you used to be the last 3 months  you have not been very submissive."

"How can you say that? Just last week you said you were proud of me and I was doing good and now you tell me for 3 months I been bad? You say your not happy? this makes no sense to me at ALL!!!"

"You just do whatever you want at times and I'm not saying its all bad its just you. you dont rub my feet anymore. Your texting more . you dont set close to me anymore."

"Well why do you wait 3 months to tell me this. It isnt fair you cant wait that long and decide things arent ok."

":See theres the problem I can do what I want I'm in charge remember."

"Yes Sir but"

"No buts Daisy you need to straighten up NOW!!"

"I know I been depressed."

"Well now its time to pick your self up and starting acting right. I'm done with your laying around and moping. you have responsibilities to do and I will NOT go back to the way it was before."

"Yes Sir."

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You know sometimes I feel like I'm hitting my head up against a brick wall. I dont understand his thinking but heres the funny thing. i probably should've blogged on Tuesday like a friend told me to because as I was writing that out it all made sense to me.

Its soo easy to get into the flow of life and leave the spouse behind.  Tyler and I both work 40 hrs a week. he has more of a 9-5 job where my job can be 4pm to 11pm or 4 am to 11 am or 4 am to 8 or 9 pm... I'm sldo a manger and I'm large and in charge lol.. Plus we have 3 kids that are each usually playing one or 2 sports and none of them are driving yet.

When I'm not a dominant woman and never could be a dom I am a strong willed and independent.. I like to call myself a free bird

when Tyler is inconsistant i start flying farther and farther from the nest until i'm lost and then we have a "Battle Of The Paddle" and he brings me back..

For instance Monday night I got 5 swats with an eraser thing thats like a snake.. You ask "Why did he use that?" Well because its quiet and it was handy lol.. Those 5 swats however lasted a few days.. However he told me Monday night that we were far from done that I needed to learn submission.. He said I cant even stay still and quiet for a spanking.



"Well buster let me spank you and see if you can stay quiet or still". Ok ok I didnt say that outloud..


Anyway I texted him Tuesday morning and told him if he wanted to finish up the spanking tuesday night i would stay quiet and take the spanking. Tuesday came we talked and thats when all the verbs exploded but no spanking. Today is Friday and well No spanking....

He says if I really wanted this dd lifestyle that I would just do it. I do want it but i want his help and sometimes its not there. It feels that hes lazy. hes not a lazy man but in the area of leading he wants me to always do what I'm supposed to and not ever be mouthy and the same for the kids so that he doesnt have to work at it.  Now I'm not bashing him this is just how I feel.

Anyway back to the problem at hand.  My heart is in dd but my heart is also fight or flight. I'm sooo used to taking care of myself. I am the youngest of 6 kids so my parents were older and tired when I came around. i never had consequences and i pretty much took care of them and me. When Tyler and I first got married (Centuries ago it seems) lol I was very clingy and submissive and dependent and he didnt like that. So he changed me

His dad Said "Son quit trying to change her you will be sorry."   If Tyler never listened to anything his dad ever said that should've been the ONE thing he listened to.

Really what i want is for Tyler  to take care of me. NOW I'm not saying Tyler doesnt take care of me he does but maybe I wanna be lazy and let him do all the work!!! OK OK I said it I'm tired of feeling like i do everything. I wanna fall backwards into his arms and let him carry me for a while. He doesnt understand or beleive this. I think he really wants it too and doesnt realize it. He always says he doesnt wanna micro manage me but he does. That is fine but Its more confusion.  One minute he says he doesnt wanna micromanage me just let him know what I'm doing after work etc. next minute he wants me to ask him permission to do everything. I try and ask but i forget.. A friend just ask me "Did you ask Tyler if you could blog?"  "GRRR "No but I had my day planned."

Ooops see I'm just a free bird!!!!    

TO be continued......................................................

I'm proud he's proud!!!

So 2yrs before  Tyler and i started TTWD our marriage was bad and I did alot of awful things. So As we rekindle our marriage I often wondered would i ever make him proud enough to brag about me again?

The answer is yes Yes I did.

So his co-worker was telling him how he hates his lunch everyday.

Tyler said "well have your wife pack something different."

Co-woker laughed and said "My wife doesnt pack my lunch':

Tyler said "Well mine does."

"She must not work then"

"yes and there is times that she doesnt get home till midnight but she still gets up at 5:30"

"Well my wife is all about womans lib or bla bla"

Tyler said "well my wife would rather be home taking care of the kids and I, She also often says Yes Sir and No Sir to  me"

Co-Worker replied "Well \how many times have you smacked her around?"

Tyler chuckled "I never have."

So as he's telling me this story i said "So did you tell him I just beat her butt on occasion to keep her in line?"

Tyler chuckled.

In that moment i realized he is proud of me and I am doing something right.

I'm still very happyt at this because there are times that I'm not sure if i'm making him happy or not but I guess I am!!!